Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

In the age of nonfungible tokens and cyber art, many Colorado State University students have made the decision to connect with their roots and graffiti campus bathrooms. 

First, print is dead, assholes. Everyone knows that — my grandpa says it all the time. These liberal arts losers are just that: too liberal. Since when did art become a means of expressing the human condition? 

Last I checked, the best artistic works were created through hyperdetailed coloring books. You know, the ones where you perfectly draw inside the lines with no mistakes. If you do make mistakes, good luck, Charlie. I can’t relate. 

I don’t think I’ve ever made a single mistake in my entire life. I came out of the womb potty-trained. 

Hey, Callum Burke, as my nemesis, you should know that I am, indeed, too self-absorbed and shallow to look up from the toilet seat. In fact, I hate this disgusting vandalism so much that I sit there with my eyes glued shut.

That kid who passed the midterm with the Scantron answers? Yeah, I beat him up. Nice try, cheater. A degree doesn’t mean shit if you cheated your way through it. I don’t care that the pandemic made education harder — it’s a test, and you’re flunking it.

“Some may say that I’m a ‘(loser) with no imagination,’ but I like to think of myself as a small girl in a big world, just fighting to make it a better place — a place that’s free of vandalism and nonformulaic art.”

Oh, you’re a devious licker? More like devious liquor because you must be blackout drunk to think that nonsensical bathroom scribbling is art. It’s vandalism, and y’all deserve jail time.

As Burke continues leading his tyrannical, art-motivated crime spree, I’ll sit back and watch as they clink the cuffs on, wrist by wrist. 

It’s 2022, and we have enough movements; the art movement is simply a figment of your liquor-induced imagination. Are you not ashamed?

As I sit — very gracefully, I might add — on the toilet in the Andrew G. Clark building, I’m bombarded by caricatures of joint-smoking liberals. You have a right to freedom of expression and speech, but honestly, those rights should be stripped away if you think this is how you send a message.

Burke argues that maintaining these bathrooms is financially a bad decision, but I’d argue that CSU will handle it with ease. A little birdie told me that the Associated Students of Colorado State University needs some good press, and this could be the perfect place for them to invest. 

In fact, I spend most of my nights alone in the campus bathrooms, mindlessly painting over these icky political writings and snippets of conversations. That’s right: I dabble in philanthropy. Look it up. 

Just because you mark up bathroom stalls with illegal vandalism doesn’t mean you’re cool. You’re not — trust me. 

Some may say that I’m a “(loser) with no imagination,” but I like to think of myself as a small girl in a big world, just fighting to make it a better place — a place that’s free of vandalism and nonformulaic art. 

If you’re heeding Burke’s advice and making your way to the basement bathroom in Willard O. Eddy Hall, just know I’ll be there waiting, paintbrush in hand. Have fun in jail!

Bella Eckburg can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @yaycolor.