Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist
• February 17, 2025
During his path to presidency and even after inauguration, between his stints pardoning QAnon shamans who are more loyal and white than his jizz napkins, President Donald Trump has repeatedly said he wants to cut the Department of Education. Just yesterday, he announced his plans to replace the department with “something funner.”
Astrid Thorn, Collegian Columnist
• February 13, 2025
Valentine’s Day is arguably the sexiest day of the year. It is the one day a year that is entirely devoted to love, intimacy and getting it on, making it the perfect excuse for an extra steamy, extra long night of fun. But remember to take caution when getting frisky this Valentine’s Day because if you’re not careful, you may find yourself staring at a positive pregnancy test a few weeks later, and if that alone isn’t enough to scare you, here’s something that should.
Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist
• December 2, 2024
I awoke one morning to a quill in my hands that folded over my body the way a Victorian child would lie — with sickness and boredom but also a roguish Ozempic look.
Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist
• November 20, 2024
Thanksgiving isn’t just a holiday about gratitude. At its core, it’s a holiday about bloodshed. Long have we normalized — even memorialized — a tradition not meant for regular, everyday humans like us. We try to mimic the gods, these untouchables who dominate the upper echelons of their careers. We pretend our 55-year-old fathers can still throw touchdowns like Aaron Rodgers without throwing out their backs. We wash down our pain and torment with gravy and pumpkin pie afterward.
Leah Stephenson, Collegian Columnist
• November 11, 2024
Stand-up comedians have it all wrong. Telling a story or having a good punchline isn’t what makes someone funny. Even when people aren’t comedians, they like to be funny because it helps make friends. I often find that in social scenarios, the people who fare the best are the funny ones. However, most don’t go about humor in the right way.
Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist
• October 30, 2024
Two years ago, I found myself in the doctor’s office. The prognosis was bad. They had me lying down on a table, poking prongs and stethoscopes into my orifices like I was in a real-life game of Operation and they couldn’t get the wishbone out of my chest. I’m not a religious girl, but I prayed a lot that day.
Hana Pavelko, Collegian Columnist
• October 30, 2024
It is well known that the “-ber” months are some of the most significant times of the year for couples. Going to pumpkin patches, watching spooky movies in matching pajamas and baking are on most couple’s bucket list as we approach the fall season.
Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist
• October 22, 2024
In celebration of Colorado State University's Homecoming weekend, the CSU football team put together a special halftime show to replace the marching band’s performance.
Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist
• September 11, 2024
As the official mascot of Colorado State University, I would first like to fully acknowledge our longstanding history as the two biggest public universities in Colorado. I respect and understand why we have a feud because, as in many other parasocial relationships, there’s always one celebrity and one fanboy. Not to imply the beef is one-sided, but while you’re the only one spitting it out, here we like to swallow. You make it hard, though — buffalo burgers really taste like shit.
Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from the CU Independent’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the...
Hana Pavelko, Collegian Columnist
• September 9, 2024
On Aug. 14, student tickets went live for the upcoming Colorado State University sport seasons. With football and volleyball tickets becoming available, students were ecstatic to claim their tickets for the home games. Despite the numerous home games to look forward to, students had their eyes on one game: the Rocky Mountain Showdown. Having been hosted at CU Boulder last year, CSU students are excited to show their ram pride at Canvas Stadium for the biggest football game of the season.
Addy Dollaghan, Collegian Columnist
• April 28, 2024
Over a dozen plaintiffs are coming forward and suing online shopping forum Temu for $420 million after allegedly getting unintentionally lobotomies by headsets manufactured and sold by the company. Temu’s new virtual reality goggles gave plaintiffs both partial and full lobotomies to users who bought the goggles to try and save some money.
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