Audrey Weishaar, Collegian Columnist
• October 27, 2025
Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s...
Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist
• September 9, 2025
Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s...
Picture this: the buzzer just sounded for the University of Maryland v. Colorado State University March Madness game. Camera angles zoom in on CSU players snot-nosed, teary eyed, violently group-hugging in an intensely boy manner — mostly dap-ups lost within a symphony of “bro’s” and other love confessions. But the second that the video stops rolling, Niko Medved turns to the crowd and says, “It isn’t over yet, bitches.”
Look, let’s be real — life is hard. Student loans? Sky-high. Job market? Bleak. The constant existential dread of figuring out what you’re doing with your life? Ever-present. We are certainly not...
Detectivo Liberal, Onomatology Detective
• April 1, 2025
The challenge of figuring out what to name your child in our current political environment is a tough feat. But no matter the challenge, there is always going to be an opportunity for you to name your child after the over 90 executive orders that President Donald Trump has signed so far this year. Here are some of the top picks that should really tickle your fancy.
Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist
• February 18, 2025
During his path to presidency and even after inauguration, between his stints pardoning QAnon shamans who are more loyal and white than his jizz napkins, President Donald Trump has repeatedly said he wants to cut the Department of Education. Just yesterday, he announced his plans to replace the department with “something funner.”
Astrid Thorn, Collegian Columnist
• February 13, 2025
Valentine’s Day is arguably the sexiest day of the year. It is the one day a year that is entirely devoted to love, intimacy and getting it on, making it the perfect excuse for an extra steamy, extra long night of fun. But remember to take caution when getting frisky this Valentine’s Day because if you’re not careful, you may find yourself staring at a positive pregnancy test a few weeks later, and if that alone isn’t enough to scare you, here’s something that should.
Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist
• December 2, 2024
I awoke one morning to a quill in my hands that folded over my body the way a Victorian child would lie — with sickness and boredom but also a roguish Ozempic look.
Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist
• November 21, 2024
Thanksgiving isn’t just a holiday about gratitude. At its core, it’s a holiday about bloodshed. Long have we normalized — even memorialized — a tradition not meant for regular, everyday humans like us. We try to mimic the gods, these untouchables who dominate the upper echelons of their careers. We pretend our 55-year-old fathers can still throw touchdowns like Aaron Rodgers without throwing out their backs. We wash down our pain and torment with gravy and pumpkin pie afterward.
Leah Stephenson, Collegian Columnist
• November 11, 2024
Stand-up comedians have it all wrong. Telling a story or having a good punchline isn’t what makes someone funny. Even when people aren’t comedians, they like to be funny because it helps make friends. I often find that in social scenarios, the people who fare the best are the funny ones. However, most don’t go about humor in the right way.
Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist
• October 31, 2024
Two years ago, I found myself in the doctor’s office. The prognosis was bad. They had me lying down on a table, poking prongs and stethoscopes into my orifices like I was in a real-life game of Operation and they couldn’t get the wishbone out of my chest. I’m not a religious girl, but I prayed a lot that day.
Hana Pavelko, Collegian Columnist
• October 31, 2024
It is well known that the “-ber” months are some of the most significant times of the year for couples. Going to pumpkin patches, watching spooky movies in matching pajamas and baking are on most couple’s bucket list as we approach the fall season.
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