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The Rocky Mountain Collegian
The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

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Seriously: CSU honors Medved with student vs. staff basketball tournament

Seriously: CSU honors Medved with student vs. staff basketball tournament

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • April 21, 2025
Picture this: the buzzer just sounded for the University of Maryland v. Colorado State University March Madness game. Camera angles zoom in on CSU players snot-nosed, teary eyed, violently group-hugging in an intensely boy manner — mostly dap-ups lost within a symphony of “bro’s” and other love confessions. But the second that the video stops rolling, Niko Medved turns to the crowd and says, “It isn’t over yet, bitches.”
April Fools': 5 incontrovertible reasons why you should immediately abandon your family, career and personal autonomy to join a cult today!

April Fools’: 5 incontrovertible reasons why you should immediately abandon your family, career and personal autonomy to join a cult today!

Hanky Panky, Master Instigator • April 1, 2025

Look, let’s be real — life is hard. Student loans? Sky-high. Job market? Bleak. The constant existential dread of figuring out what you’re doing with your life? Ever-present. We are certainly not...

April Fools': 5 baby names that may really lean into your executive order preferences

April Fools’: 5 baby names that may really lean into your executive order preferences

Detectivo Liberal, Onomatology Detective • April 1, 2025
The challenge of figuring out what to name your child in our current political environment is a tough feat. But no matter the challenge, there is always going to be an opportunity for you to name your child after the over 90 executive orders that President Donald Trump has signed so far this year. Here are some of the top picks that should really tickle your fancy.
Seriously: Trump announces replacements for Department of Education

Seriously: Trump announces replacements for Department of Education

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • February 18, 2025
During his path to presidency and even after inauguration, between his stints pardoning QAnon shamans who are more loyal and white than his jizz napkins, President Donald Trump has repeatedly said he wants to cut the Department of Education. Just yesterday, he announced his plans to replace the department with “something funner.”
Seriously: Valentine's Day protection means 1 less Scorpio man

Seriously: Valentine’s Day protection means 1 less Scorpio man

Astrid Thorn, Collegian Columnist • February 13, 2025
Valentine’s Day is arguably the sexiest day of the year. It is the one day a year that is entirely devoted to love, intimacy and getting it on, making it the perfect excuse for an extra steamy, extra long night of fun. But remember to take caution when getting frisky this Valentine’s Day because if you’re not careful, you may find yourself staring at a positive pregnancy test a few weeks later, and if that alone isn’t enough to scare you, here’s something that should.
Someone writing "Collegian" in fancy font with a quill on a newspaper.

Seriously: I time traveled to write for The Collegian’s 1st edition

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • December 2, 2024
I awoke one morning to a quill in my hands that folded over my body the way a Victorian child would lie — with sickness and boredom but also a roguish Ozempic look.
A graphic of a man surrounded by two children running with a football and shouting "Go long!"

Seriously: Thanksgiving football game ends in injuries, several ER visits

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • November 21, 2024
Thanksgiving isn’t just a holiday about gratitude. At its core, it’s a holiday about bloodshed. Long have we normalized — even memorialized — a tradition not meant for regular, everyday humans like us. We try to mimic the gods, these untouchables who dominate the upper echelons of their careers. We pretend our 55-year-old fathers can still throw touchdowns like Aaron Rodgers without throwing out their backs. We wash down our pain and torment with gravy and pumpkin pie afterward.
Seriously: Humor is in the eye of joke-teller

Seriously: Humor is in the eye of joke-teller

Leah Stephenson, Collegian Columnist • November 11, 2024
Stand-up comedians have it all wrong. Telling a story or having a good punchline isn’t what makes someone funny. Even when people aren’t comedians, they like to be funny because it helps make friends. I often find that in social scenarios, the people who fare the best are the funny ones. However, most don’t go about humor in the right way. 
Seriously: The scariest thing about Halloween is my pit stains

Seriously: The scariest thing about Halloween is my pit stains

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • October 31, 2024
Two years ago, I found myself in the doctor’s office. The prognosis was bad. They had me lying down on a table, poking prongs and stethoscopes into my orifices like I was in a real-life game of Operation and they couldn’t get the wishbone out of my chest. I’m not a religious girl, but I prayed a lot that day.
An illustration of two spooky characters in front of a green background.

Seriously: Costumes you, your boo should wear on Halloween

Hana Pavelko, Collegian Columnist • October 31, 2024
It is well known that the “-ber” months are some of the most significant times of the year for couples. Going to pumpkin patches, watching spooky movies in matching pajamas and baking are on most couple’s bucket list as we approach the fall season.
A green human figure stands on a yellow-illuminated stage in front of a crowd of other green human figures in the audience.

Seriously: CSU football takes over Homecoming halftime show

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • October 23, 2024
In celebration of Colorado State University's Homecoming weekend, the CSU football team put together a special halftime show to replace the marching band’s performance.
An illustration of an anthropomorphic ram about to eat a burger and fries next to a sign reading, Today's special: Buffalo burger.

Seriously: To Chip the Buffalo from CAM the Ram

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • September 12, 2024
As the official mascot of Colorado State University, I would first like to fully acknowledge our longstanding history as the two biggest public universities in Colorado. I respect and understand why we have a feud because, as in many other parasocial relationships, there’s always one celebrity and one fanboy. Not to imply the beef is one-sided, but while you’re the only one spitting it out, here we like to swallow. You make it hard, though — buffalo burgers really taste like shit.
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