The Rocky Mountain Collegian

Seriously: CSU football takes over Homecoming halftime show

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • October 23, 2024

In celebration of Colorado State University's Homecoming weekend, the CSU football team put together a special halftime show to replace the marching band’s performance.

Seriously: To Chip the Buffalo from CAM the Ram

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • September 12, 2024

As the official mascot of Colorado State University, I would first like to fully acknowledge our longstanding history as the two biggest public universities in Colorado. I respect and understand why we have a feud because, as in many other parasocial relationships, there’s always one celebrity and one fanboy. Not to imply the beef is one-sided, but while you’re the only one spitting it out, here we like to swallow. You make it hard, though — buffalo burgers really taste like shit.

Seriously: To CAM the Ram from an anonymous Buffalo

Lincoln Roch, CU Independent • September 12, 2024

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from the CU Independent’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the...

Seriously: Students scramble for Rocky Mountain Showdown tickets

Hana Pavelko, Collegian Columnist • September 10, 2024

On Aug. 14, student tickets went live for the upcoming Colorado State University sport seasons. With football and volleyball tickets becoming available, students were ecstatic to claim their tickets for the home games. Despite the numerous home games to look forward to, students had their eyes on one game: the Rocky Mountain Showdown. Having been hosted at CU Boulder last year, CSU students are excited to show their ram pride at Canvas Stadium for the biggest football game of the season.

Seriously: Temu sued following alleged lobotomies from VR headsets

Addy Dollaghan, Collegian Columnist • April 29, 2024

Over a dozen plaintiffs are coming forward and suing online shopping forum Temu for $420 million after allegedly getting unintentionally lobotomies by headsets manufactured and sold by the company. Temu’s new virtual reality goggles gave plaintiffs both partial and full lobotomies to users who bought the goggles to try and save some money.

Seriously: CSU to offer new class Swearing Across Languages

Hana Pavelko, Collegian Columnist • April 16, 2024

Looking to fulfill those pesky All-University Core Curriculum credit requirements? Well, there are now more options for students who are still in need of arts and humanities credits. Colorado State University students registering for the fall 2024 semester are now able to sign up for the newest foreign language class BS 420: Swearing Across Languages.

Seriously: Clark renovation plans change to McDonald’s PlayPlace

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • April 15, 2024

If you see kids around campus asking for a Happy Meal, they’re not asking about weed brownies. They just want McDonald's. The obnoxious construction going on around the Andrew G. Clark Building is driving students mad. With their daily walks to class rerouted, many have reported closing their eyes at night and hearing jackhammers. But what they don't know is that this renovation actually isn’t a renovation at all. In reality, Colorado State University is building something more ugly, congested and greasy than Clark itself.

Seriously: Latest dine-and-dash regimen just dropped

Addy Dollaghan, Collegian Columnist • April 11, 2024

On Wednesday night in Fort Collins, a restaurant packed to the gills with patrons suffered a massive financial loss when a group of 10 individuals flawlessly executed the age-old dine and dash. Throughout the evening, members of the group would “use the restroom” and then sneak out the front door of the Houver Priced Cuisine establishment. They timed their exits tactfully and spaced them out to not draw suspicion. The first nine had no issues, but pressure rested on the strong shoulders of the last member. If he failed to escape, the plan would collapse, and the group would be forced to pay.

Seriously: Thanks for continuing to ignore climate change

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • March 19, 2024

I love seeing your hairy toes peek through flip-flops in March — because that’s totally normal. I adore that you swam in Horsetooth Reservoir last week. Tears of joy seep from my eyes when you tell me your “personality is defrosting” because it’s 65 degrees outside.