The Rocky Mountain Collegian

Seriously: I time traveled to write for The Collegian’s 1st edition

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • December 2, 2024

I awoke one morning to a quill in my hands that folded over my body the way a Victorian child would lie — with sickness and boredom but also a roguish Ozempic look.

Seriously: Thanksgiving football game ends in injuries, several ER visits

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • November 20, 2024

Thanksgiving isn’t just a holiday about gratitude. At its core, it’s a holiday about bloodshed. Long have we normalized — even memorialized — a tradition not meant for regular, everyday humans like us. We try to mimic the gods, these untouchables who dominate the upper echelons of their careers. We pretend our 55-year-old fathers can still throw touchdowns like Aaron Rodgers without throwing out their backs. We wash down our pain and torment with gravy and pumpkin pie afterward.

Seriously: Humor is in the eye of joke-teller

Leah Stephenson, Collegian Columnist • November 11, 2024

Stand-up comedians have it all wrong. Telling a story or having a good punchline isn’t what makes someone funny. Even when people aren’t comedians, they like to be funny because it helps make friends. I often find that in social scenarios, the people who fare the best are the funny ones. However, most don’t go about humor in the right way.

Seriously: The scariest thing about Halloween is my pit stains

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • October 30, 2024

Two years ago, I found myself in the doctor’s office. The prognosis was bad. They had me lying down on a table, poking prongs and stethoscopes into my orifices like I was in a real-life game of Operation and they couldn’t get the wishbone out of my chest. I’m not a religious girl, but I prayed a lot that day.

Seriously: Costumes you, your boo should wear on Halloween

Hana Pavelko, Collegian Columnist • October 30, 2024

It is well known that the “-ber” months are some of the most significant times of the year for couples. Going to pumpkin patches, watching spooky movies in matching pajamas and baking are on most couple’s bucket list as we approach the fall season.

Seriously: CSU football takes over Homecoming halftime show

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • October 22, 2024

In celebration of Colorado State University's Homecoming weekend, the CSU football team put together a special halftime show to replace the marching band’s performance.

Seriously: To Chip the Buffalo from CAM the Ram

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • September 11, 2024

As the official mascot of Colorado State University, I would first like to fully acknowledge our longstanding history as the two biggest public universities in Colorado. I respect and understand why we have a feud because, as in many other parasocial relationships, there’s always one celebrity and one fanboy. Not to imply the beef is one-sided, but while you’re the only one spitting it out, here we like to swallow. You make it hard, though — buffalo burgers really taste like shit.

Seriously: To CAM the Ram from an anonymous Buffalo

Lincoln Roch, CU Independent • September 11, 2024

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from the CU Independent’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the...

Seriously: Students scramble for Rocky Mountain Showdown tickets

Hana Pavelko, Collegian Columnist • September 9, 2024

On Aug. 14, student tickets went live for the upcoming Colorado State University sport seasons. With football and volleyball tickets becoming available, students were ecstatic to claim their tickets for the home games. Despite the numerous home games to look forward to, students had their eyes on one game: the Rocky Mountain Showdown. Having been hosted at CU Boulder last year, CSU students are excited to show their ram pride at Canvas Stadium for the biggest football game of the season.

Seriously: Temu sued following alleged lobotomies from VR headsets

Addy Dollaghan, Collegian Columnist • April 28, 2024

Over a dozen plaintiffs are coming forward and suing online shopping forum Temu for $420 million after allegedly getting unintentionally lobotomies by headsets manufactured and sold by the company. Temu’s new virtual reality goggles gave plaintiffs both partial and full lobotomies to users who bought the goggles to try and save some money.

Seriously: CSU to offer new class Swearing Across Languages

Hana Pavelko, Collegian Columnist • April 15, 2024

Looking to fulfill those pesky All-University Core Curriculum credit requirements? Well, there are now more options for students who are still in need of arts and humanities credits. Colorado State University students registering for the fall 2024 semester are now able to sign up for the newest foreign language class BS 420: Swearing Across Languages.

Seriously: Clark renovation plans change to McDonald’s PlayPlace

Emma Souza, Collegian Columnist • April 14, 2024

If you see kids around campus asking for a Happy Meal, they’re not asking about weed brownies. They just want McDonald's. The obnoxious construction going on around the Andrew G. Clark Building is driving students mad. With their daily walks to class rerouted, many have reported closing their eyes at night and hearing jackhammers. But what they don't know is that this renovation actually isn’t a renovation at all. In reality, Colorado State University is building something more ugly, congested and greasy than Clark itself.