Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

All of a sudden, I find myself in the last week of classes and inching toward that graduation stage, praying I don’t eat shit in my heels in front of everyone.

The anxiety is borderline flesh-eating, and I just realized the body doesn’t come with the dress I ordered online for graduation, so it drags behind me like a medieval train. I unfortunately am not 6 feet tall.

Thus I have come to a very reasonable conclusion. I intend on failing my classes this semester and living full time in the newsroom.

This decision comes after months of consideration and careful plotting. Looking at my grades on Canvas, I don’t think I can drop all of them to failing levels within the week, but I’ve planned for that. If they won’t fail me, I will stage a scene.

This decision will give me ample time to grow to 6 feet tall and keep me in my current position at the Rocky Mountain Student Media Corporation. If I take the same three credits over and over again for the next four years, I can work my way up the chain of command.

“While y’all take your finals and sweat the small stuff, I’m looking to the future of hiding in the RMSMC walls. Instead of turning in my final essays, I’m submitting a picture of Gibby from iCarly with the caption ‘Gibby no like’ in PDF format.”

You may be asking why I wouldn’t just graduate and then apply for a job at RMSMC, but there’s a very reasonable answer: If I did that, I wouldn’t be special.

I’m a goal setter, unlike most of y’all, and my goal is to fail.

I will also spend the next four years with ample free time because I will only be taking three credits, and this will allow my investigative reporting skills to explode and rise in value.

Is it the most economically sound decision? No! But this is America, and I have to take risks to get recognition. Living in the newsroom will be super cozy because we have no windows.

While y’all take your finals and sweat the small stuff, I’m looking to the future of hiding in the RMSMC walls. Instead of turning in my final essays, I’m submitting a picture of Gibby from iCarly with the caption “Gibby no like” in PDF format.

Enjoy graduation and/or being 6 feet tall — I’ll get there eventually.

Reach Bella Eckburg at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @yaycolor.