Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

The spooky fun of Halloween is behind us and so is the dizzying election season. Individuals across the nation now prepare for the thick wave of seasonal depression to hit with force. 

It’s not uncommon to feel gloomy in the overcast, cold weather. In Colorado, the winter is either the thing you’ve been waiting for or the thing you’ve been dreading. If you’re into winter sports, you’re set. If you aren’t, good luck. 

Local man Rob Populus is one of many who are preparing for the flurry of snow headed this way — well, preparing emotionally.

“I’m a big believer in paying the neighbor kids to shovel my driveway,” Populus said. “I’ve been super busy lately and made a discovery that I think will help me: mental health awareness.”

You heard it right. Suddenly, Populus discovered if you actually take care of your mental well-being, you won’t feel like shit all the time. 

“My girlfriend says it’s good to take a hot, nicely scented bath after work to decompress,” Populus said. “I always thought it was stupid, but I slipped in before she did a few nights ago, and everything changed.”

“Checking yourself for signs you need some mental tender love and care is easy. Do you consistently feel like vomiting? Are you riddled with antidepressants and the liquid of some fizzy drink that you can’t seem to part with because you desperately crave sugar? Do you smell like ass?”

After going to bed before midnight every night for a week, Populus found he could actually tolerate social interaction for the first time in his adult life. Now, he has dedicated his life to sharing his new self-care schedule with his bros.

“I thought violent tummy troubles and thinning hair were par for the course in college,” said Populus’ friend Daniel LeAnimal. “It turns out when I take care of my mental health, my sewer bill goes way down. Less flushing, more free time.”

College is known to boost cortisol levels sky-high. With the sun now setting as early as 4:45 p.m. daily, your self-care schedule can take place in the nonstimulating darkness. 

Checking yourself for signs you need some mental tender love and care is easy. Do you consistently feel like vomiting? Are you riddled with antidepressants and the liquid of some fizzy drink that you can’t seem to part with because you desperately crave sugar? Do you smell like ass?

“It’s not just for girls, bro,” Populus said. “Have you ever dusted your steaming bath water with live rose petals? It’s an experience that has genuinely aged me in reverse. I am a baby.”

Check your mental health, and take care of yourself as we come up on winter stresses and the final weeks of the semester. If you don’t want to do it for yourself, then do it for those around you because we can smell you from here. 

Reach Bella Eckburg at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @yaycolor.