Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

There are very few occasions on Colorado State University’s campus that spark as much joy as the football team scraping a win.

Thankfully, our beloved Rams got their first taste of victory in the season Oct. 7 against the University of Nevada, Reno’s Wolf Pack, and everyone involved seemed to be happy about the result and eagerly looking on to our Homecoming game to grab another — at least, almost everyone involved.  

With no offensive touchdowns scored by the Rams in the first win — only two defensive touchdowns and a field goal — some important figures may have felt that the effort was not valiant enough for their standards.

The culprit is none other than the man inside the CAM the Ram costume, a mascot students and fans have slowly come to know and love, who is currently under investigation for his involvement in the attempt to rig our upcoming Homecoming football game against Utah State University in favor of the Rams. Additionally, The Collegian is looking further into past games that CAM may have manipulated in any way, shape or form.

Before you ask; no, this is not about the lovable, furry and real CAM the Ram that eats lettuce and smiles for photos — he could do no wrong. It’s the scummy clown in the mascot suit holding the T-shirt cannon. He’s the real dirtbag here.  

Unfortunately, what doesn’t help The Collegian‘s case is that all human mascots maintain strict secrecy from the public eye. A true name cannot be released to the public. 

Nonetheless, just a few days ago, The Collegian received eerie photos from an anonymous source of our CAM mascot in a dark alleyway outside USU’s football stadium in Logan, Utah, handing over a brown paper bag to their head football coach, Blake Anderson. More suspiciously, the brown paper bag had a large money sign drawn on the outside, more than likely indicating a cash exchange made between the two. 

Anderson declined to speak on the events that transpired.

CAM, believing he had gotten back to CSU’s campus without a trace of his whereabouts, was promptly taken into custody and interviewed upon his arrival in Fort Collins the next day. 

“It is quite apparent that our once openly embraced mascot was hiding a deep, dark secret from the public. Thankfully, The Collegian has concluded that it was a one-man job and no one else is to be investigated.”

“What a steaming heap of bullcrap this is if you’re just going to automatically pin me as guilty without allowing me to explain myself even a little,” CAM said. “You don’t know what it’s like inside the mask watching us lose on the sidelines. Just after our last home game, a little girl blamed me, specifically, for the loss and spit in my direction. The suit is claustrophobic and sad, and I just want to witness a true showcasing of our team getting a win. If that’s a crime, then lock me up.” 

It is indeed a crime. 

Although an admittedly heartwarming excuse for such a felonious and frowned upon crime attempt, later investigations found deeper reasons for CAM’s involvement in the bribing scandal.

CAM is believed to currently be over $120,000 in debt for betting on college football games involving Mountain West Conference teams. It is also speculated that CAM has fixed or attempted to fix more than seven games this year alone, not including our Oct. 15 home game. 

It is quite apparent that our once openly embraced mascot was hiding a deep, dark secret from the public. Thankfully, The Collegian has concluded that it was a one-man job and no one else is to be investigated. 

Hopefully, this is the last the Rams hear about game tampering from CAM or anything related. Besides, we should be able to snatch this Homecoming win without his assistance anyways. 

Reach Callum Burke at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @burkec0621.