Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

If you’ve frequented the north side of the Colorado State University Lory Student Center any time in these last few weeks, you’re sure to have seen the construction happening.

As I made my way to the CSU Transit Center on the first day of school, I found myself puzzled when my usual staircase exit was blocked off, and I had to use the CSU Bookstore stairs. Confused, I called upon the trusty journalists employed by The Collegian to get you, the public, the answers you desire. What is really happening behind those doors? What could they be building? 

Well, this last weekend, two reporters mysteriously found themselves with the keys to one of those big-ass excavators, and they lowered one of our newly recruited reporters down on a spy rig to get a closer look. 

Peering through binoculars — erm, two paper towel rolls; we suffered some budget cuts — a reporter was stunned to see the progress being made many weeks before its unveiling. 

A brand new CAM the Ram-themed shrine and bakery. Before you get ahead of me, PETA: No! We are not cooking our beloved Cameron. We checked. 

“When we dedicate this bakery shrine to CAM, we pledge our allegiance to him and his Rambouillet sheep brethren. The only way for us to purge the souls trapped in Clark’s walls is to first take the step to make the spirits comfortable on this earthly plane.” 

At this bakery, you will find “Rams’ horns,” more commonly known as croissants, coffee sprinkled with “CAM’s droppings” — cocoa marshmallows — and the option to add “chocolate squirts” to any order, which gloriously represent when the Ram Handlers accidentally give CAM whole milk lattes instead of his preferred oat milk. 

He’s grass-fed and totally vegan, and they should respect that.

The bakery acts as a working shrine to CAM and features a 3,000-pound neon sign depicting his elegance. It takes hundreds of hours of labor to create something this masterful, and you should be sure to thank those working diligently on the project as you pass by the bus station. 

It’s well known that our university is dedicated to loving and caring for a live mascot. It’s an important job, and making sure he lives an incredible and long life is crucial to the survival of our very school. 

What might be less well known is that CAM is more than a mascot. He is the vessel through which the spirits that occupy the Andrew G. Clark Building now communicate with the school board, begging for that remodel.

When we dedicate this bakery shrine to CAM, we pledge our allegiance to him and his Rambouillet sheep brethren. The only way for us to purge the souls trapped in Clark’s walls is to first take the step to make the spirits comfortable on this earthly plane. 

Of course, what is more comfortable than some good bread, coffee and sweet treats? Nothing. A bakery is exactly what this school needs, and it will soon offer a plethora of student employment opportunities. A win-win-win. 

Send some love to those construction workers and consult your local cat for bread-kneading advice; you might need it if you plan on applying for a job. 

Reach Bella Eckburg at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @yaycolor.