Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Have you ever found yourself walking along the chalked-up Plaza of the Lory Student Center and been stopped in your tracks by an absolute Ram family beauty?

Here on the Colorado State University campus, we have it all: goth girls on skateboards, frat boys in khaki shorts, women in STEM, horse-lovers and more.

Searching for the love of your life on campus can be difficult, especially when you’re already five minutes late for your class on the third floor of the Andrew G. Clark Building. Luckily for you, The Collegian is full of sleuthy journalists hungry for drama, and we’ve got you covered — so furiously climb those stairs.

If you think you met the one in the line for bagels in the LSC, but they scurried off before you could ask for their Snapchat — of course, so the potential ghosting in your future is less hurtful to both parties — you can send your cries of missed connections to LoveIsReallyHard@collegian.com, and we will carefully read every line and publish them.

Fortunately for you, our lovely board of editors decided all missed connections will go into print, and we have five additional pages to fill, so start sending those emails.

“The Collegian works alongside CSU, so we need to ensure future generations of Ram readers are well on their way to enrollment, so have a bunch of Ram lambs and thank us later.”

Unfortunately for you, we are also not against creating drama where there isn’t any. The 24-hour news cycle is tough these days, dude. On top of your missed connections, we have reporters staking out The Plaza to catch every off glance you send a stranger’s way.

That’s right. Did someone’s cool hair color briefly catch your eye? You’re in love with them, and we’re printing your government name to help them find you. Everyone loves a secret admirer, especially if it’s a secret being kept from both of you.

Rams take care of Rams here at CSU, and we at The Collegian have heroically stepped forward to provide the best kind of help: setting up a love connection.

College campuses are rampant with singles looking to mingle, and you never know where your true love may be lurking. Could they be sitting in the Morgan Library reading Karl Marx? Are they sleeping through their classes on the grass next to Willard O. Eddy Hall with a sweatshirt covering their face? You never know, but of course, we do. We’re journalists. We know everything.

It’s time to rebuild this country’s faith in the media. Journalists have been demonized for far too long, and we want to show you how committed we are to fostering a family-building campus. 

The Collegian works alongside CSU, so we need to ensure future generations of Ram readers are well on their way to enrollment, so have a bunch of Ram lambs and thank us later.

Reach Bella Eckburg at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @yaycolor.