Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

As Colorado State University quickly approaches its spring 2022 graduation ceremony, the University made a monumental decision that exemplified its undying support for free speech on campus: issuing campus preachers honorary communication degrees.

“They spend as much time on campus as every student,” said Poe Lark, a spokesperson for CSU’s graduation planning team. “It’s time for CSU to make a public stand in support of free speech on campus once and for all.” 

“As students prepare to take the stage and accept the certificate that represents the culmination of many long nights studying and several skipped classes, CSU has officially made the move to draft communication degrees for those who spent just as much time not going to class as any communication student: preachers.”

With campus preachers spending nearly every day over 65 degrees on the Lory Student Center Plaza gripping megaphones, students have shown a growing distaste for their practices through counter-protests and even inviting New York City’s hometown hero, Spider-Man, to make an appearance. 

“I just hate to hear hate speech,” said Peter Parker, a totally ordinary CSU biophysics major. “I’m really glad to see these college kids standing up for what’s right, … but I think the University is a little confused.”

CSU has to tread lightly when it comes to free speech on campus, as the line between allowing those to use their voices and protecting students from hate speech is frequently blurred. Online discourse has only added to the issue.

While CSU has little power to kick these preachers off campus, it has implemented bias reporting systems and supported counter-protests to show its allegiance to those wanting to speak their minds.

As students prepare to take the stage and accept the certificate that represents the culmination of many long nights studying and several skipped classes, CSU has officially made the move to draft communication degrees for those who spent just as much time not going to class as any communication student: preachers.

“Yeah, I took public speaking twice,” said Mike Lieuser, a CSU communication student, answering the integral question about what it takes to become a true professional communicator. Upon further review by The Collegian, it seems the campus preachers may be more qualified than previously believed. 

The Collegian reached out to CSU President Joyce McConnell and representatives of the Associated Students of Colorado State University for comment on this confusing step in the left direction (instead of the clear right or wrong direction), but it seems both have our emails consistently set to enter the spam folder. 

If you’re graduating this year, look out for vague signs, like “Vape Kills God” or “Sinner sinner chicken dinner,” decorating the stage. Apparently, CSU really pops off for free speech. 

Get your caps and gowns ready for an argument, folks. Nothing makes blood carbonated like the sun reflecting off a bald head into your eyes while that man yells about how your blue hair damns you to hell. Happy graduation, happy job hunting and happy condemnation to eternal punishment. You made it!

Reach Bella Eckburg at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @yaycolor.