Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Homecoming season has officially descended upon Colorado State University. Alumni, faculty and students alike are gearing up for a week of traditional celebrations, sporting events and school spirit. Homecoming week is the highlight of the fall semester for many in the Fort Collins area. However, if you want to be the biggest party pooper on campus, here is a list of all the most popular events that will be taking place this weekend that you definitely shouldn’t even consider attending.

Festival on The Oval

On Friday, Oct. 13, CSU will be hosting their annual Festival on The Oval. With bounce houses, club booths and food trucks, it is sure to be one of the most interactive events of Homecoming weekend. The leaves are rapidly changing color, so it will be the perfect fall backdrop for the wide range of activities presented on The Oval. But if you already have all your fall pictures with the leaves, then clearly retaking these photos on The Oval at a school event is pointless.

This festival is one of the most popular annual events hosted during Homecoming week. With live music and lawn games, it is sure to draw the attention of students in need of a brain break from midterms. Clearly everyone will be there, so it is probably the best idea for you to not be there. While the bounce house might catch your attention, do not be tricked into taking part in the numerous activities offered.

Friday Night Lights

Friday Night Lights is arguably one of the most iconic events of the CSU Homecoming season. With an abundance of festivities to get attendees hyped for the football game the next day, this event will likely draw in a huge crowd. The pep rally brings the community together to celebrate before the football game, but you aren’t someone who wants to celebrate the possible accomplishments of your local football team, are you?

So you don’t need to attend and see the bonfire and a fantastic firework display — the highlights of the much-anticipated event — or the glittering green and gold that will light up the sky from the West Lawn of the Lory Student Center.

Plus, you clearly don’t have much of a desire to express your school spirit, so why would you want to watch the traditional lighting of the A to cap off the night? It may pay homage to our Aggie roots and celebrate generations of CSU students, but clearly, this is not your bread and butter, so you should vacate the area well before 6 p.m. in order to avoid being tempted into joining the festivities.

Homecoming football game

The CSU football game is sure to be packed. Flocks of students, faculty and alumni will be swarming Canvas Stadium Saturday, Oct. 14, for the Homecoming football game. A sea of green and gold will be cheering on the football team to a hopeful victory. School spirit will be through the roof, rivaling that of the Rocky Mountain Showdown. Even parents whose loyalty lies with a different alma mater will be donning the specific alfalfa green during the game. 

The football game is the unrivaled highlight of Homecoming week. Even those who are not football fans can find a sense of camaraderie in the stands as they cheer on the same team. Now, I know what you might be thinking: Attending a day full of people and school spirit doesn’t sound like much fun. Therefore, it is totally fine to skip this event or maybe just avoid Fort Collins at all costs that day. Nothing would be worse than joining your peers in a screaming rendition of the CSU fight song that you pretend to have memorized.

While avoiding the cheer and excitement of Homecoming week is no easy feat, those who are fully committed to not enjoying themselves can find a way. Do your best to avoid the areas of these CSU Homecoming events. In fact, it might be best to just not come near campus in order to avoid contact with the cheery attitudes of students enjoying Homecoming week. Some people just aren’t proud to be a CSU Ram, so avoiding all of these events might be for the best.

Reach Hana Pavelko at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @hanasolo13.