Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
Early last week, I finally reached full immunity against the original COVID-19 strain, and you can’t even imagine how excited I was. I have been researching everything there is to know about this virus on 4chan, and the knowledge that I can now fight it inside my body is game-changing.
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I know a lot of people are worried about the effects of the vaccine, specifically being magnetized. I’ve thumped a spoon on my forehead six times now, and nothing’s happened yet. Granted, my spine is mostly titanium, so I probably already adjusted to being constantly magnetic, but I was excited to experience this nonetheless.
If you know how to code, please email me ASAP because my microchip is certainly malfunctioning and, ironically, has a virus.”
If I’m being honest, the Reddit thread about this magnetization is pretty hard to follow, so I’m starting to think it’s one of those late-onset symptoms that will show up eventually. I’ve only been fully immune for a week and a half, so God only knows what’s in store for me.
I’m beginning to think my microchip has a manufacturing error. When I scrolled through my Facebook feed, I saw that the microchip in the vaccine would allow the government to track me and directly send me important messages.
A lot of people are worried about this, but I was pretty excited. I’d never have to worry about going missing because the government would be keeping tabs on me, and I’d be the first to know about important information before it’s released to the general public.
Anyway, mine is broken. Instead of receiving the nuclear launch codes and scandalous information I was promised, I’ve just received repeated messages from hot singles in my area begging to meet up with me.
If we’re getting personal, I’ve struggled a lot in relationships. I have tried countless times to communicate with these hot singles, but it seems like the microchip does not come with any ability to respond. It’s extremely frustrating that I’m not receiving every single document ever filed or faxed to Area 51 because I was promised pertinent information, and it’s dually upsetting when I think about all the lovely, lonely singles who will never know that I’ve heard their call.
President Joe Biden won’t answer my phone calls — granted, I am yelling at him every time I call — and the United States Secret Service sent me a cease and desist letter in the mail.”
Additionally, my brain is constantly buzzing with penis enlargement pill ads, and I don’t have a penis — this is definitely an algorithm error the government needs to address ASAP.
As much as I love all of the attention from these singles who want to meet me, I can’t figure out how to turn down the volume of these messages, and they keep me up late into the night. Congress passed the Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act in 2012, so why are these ads so loud that there is literal blood seeping out of my ears onto my pillow at night? Maybe this is just a form of advertising peer pressure, and if I buy the product, the messages will stop. That didn’t work on Instagram though, so I doubt it’ll work in this case.
I don’t want to be a complainer like those liberals on Twitter, but I’m feeling fed up with the government’s lack of customer service.
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President Joe Biden won’t answer my phone calls — granted, I am yelling at him every time I call — and the United States Secret Service sent me a cease and desist letter in the mail. Like, now they can track me and get my address, but they can’t get me in contact with a specialist in microtechnology? It’s ridiculous.
The worst part of this situation has to be the fact that most of the hot singles in my area aren’t willing to meet up at all! The microchip was supposed to allow me to bypass fake news, but it doesn’t even screen for catfishing? This is bull.
So I’m reaching out to all of you college-aged nerds to let me know how to hack into my microchip and adjust the settings. Biden refuses to help me, a true patriotic American citizen, and I’m concerned that my microchip is getting too crowded by spam.
If you know how to code, please email me ASAP because my microchip is certainly malfunctioning and, ironically, has a virus.
Bella Eckburg can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @yaycolor.
