Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS – Today, fifth-year senior Cameron Ernest dropped his forestry management class after failing the syllabus quiz. Ernest scored a two out of the 20 questions on the quiz and cites this as his main reason for dropping the class.
Ernest described the quiz as taxing and took almost the entire 50-minute class period to complete it. Most students in the class only took five minutes.
One student sitting next to Ernest recalls him being totally unprepared to take the quiz, having to use half a broken crayon found at the bottom of his backpack, since he did not bring a pen or pencil.
“I don’t know how they expect me to have memorized the late-work policy or what percentage of my grade tests are worth by just the second day of class,” he groaned.
However, there was a silver lining to his poor performance. In his struggle to find a writing utensil, Ernest also found a Qdoba coupon, a stick of gum and 32 cents in change in the dredges of his backpack.
Concerned that other tests in the course would be even harder, Ernest ultimately decided to cut his losses. Trying to finish college off easily, he decided to drop the course immediately after receiving his results on the quiz.
“I figured that course would just be way too challenging,” he said. “I decided to register for Life 102 in place of it—seems easier.”
Ernest’s counselor wasn’t thrown for a loop with his decision to drop the course; she was used to him dropping courses for odder reasons. As a fifth-year student, he is no stranger to failing a class but doesn’t want to fail another and be stuck at Colorado State another semester.
“One time, sophomore year, he dropped a class because attendance counted towards the final grade,” she recalls. “Another time, he dropped a class because the girl to guy ratio was off.”
This time, Ernest dropped a class because he deemed it to be too challenging.
“Being a fifth year isn’t as fun as the movies make it seem,” he said. “My days of getting drunk every weekend and having a hangover so bad I need sunglasses to open the fridge are behind me.”
Ernest hopes for an easy semester to finish college and looks forward to working for his dad, selling insurance.
Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @ethan_vassar.
