Effective immediately, dueling is condoned across campus for all registered student organizations and groups as way to settle disputes and differences, with emphasis being placed on the 10-paces method of demanding satisfaction.
“The country is so polarized now,” CSU President Amy Parsons said in a statement to the university community. “We need our Rams to be prepared to enter the world with a sense of realism. That’s what the CSU experience is all about. Dueling is an exciting way of using our actions rather than our words.”
The Associated Students of CSU’s Student Fee Review Board will collaborate with the university to fund the new Horn of CAM Dueling Cabinet, located in the Lory Student Center’s Ramskeller Pub & Grub, equipped with foam swords and 18th-century ornate BB gun pistols, the fake weapons of choice for dueling.
“We’re really excited about this method of fostering justice,” university spokesperson Aaronia Hamlet said. “In the words of Lin Manuel Miranda, ‘The challenge: demand satisfaction/If they apologize, no need for further action.’ This is a really exciting, new way of fostering discussion and debate between groups — with high stakes.”
Parsons will kick off the dueling series by engaging in a sword fight against CSU Chancellor Tony Frank to decide, once and for all, who has more Ram pride.
“My and Tony’s love for this university runs deep,” Parsons said in her statement. “We’re excited to settle our longstanding argument of who has true green and gold in their veins with some foam swords from the Horn of CAM.”
The CSU College of Ram’s Keep, a local chapter of the Society for Creative Anarchism, is a key sponsor of the new Horn of CAM Cabinet and is donating informative knowledge on swordsmanship and dueling, including aiding in teaching a new intra-university course, IU120: Settling Disputes By Duel, now part of the All-University Core Curriculum, replacing the public speaking degree requirement for graduation.
“It’s a real challenge for interested students,” said Alaric Turkeyleg, College of Ram’s Keep king. “There’s a real artistry behind sword fighting or dueling with pistols. I think it will really bring the cream of the crop to the surface of CSU’s fine campus.”
On the new dueling docket are battles between the two-legged CAM mascot and a first-year volunteer playing Ralphie the Buffalo with BB pistols to decide the sole remaining college mascot in the state of Colorado. Next up is a ceremonial team of geese fans vs. squirrel fans with swords to decide which animal is eradicated on CSU’s campus. Then comes a promised sword duel between members of The Collegina and ASCSU to decide who gets the first floor, windowed office space in the Lory Student Center currently occupied by ASCSU.
The most anticipated duel, however, will be a three-way sword duel — “Pirates of the Caribbean” style — between the ASCSU presidential candidates to decide who ultimately takes office.
“Elections are dangerous,” ASCSU elections manager Garrett Lopez said. “They can be tampered with and are full of so much drama, and given recent voter turnout numbers, the amount of internal drama just isn’t worth it. This makes my job so much easier. I just have to have the candidates sign liability waivers and hand them swords. This renders campaigning entirely unnecessary. Elections have never been so simple. I wish the real world would try this.”
“This is a really great opportunity for our campus,” Parsons said in an exclusive interview with The Collegina during a duel practice session against one of the CAM the Ram mascot suits with a photo of Frank’s face taped to it. “We’ve never been more cutting edge. CSU is truly democracy’s university, and we think this is the new cutting edge of democracy in action.”
Students on campus are thrilled at the prospect to settle issues in such a quick and easy manner.
“My o-chem professor gave me a D on an assignment,” said Argon Barium, a student pumping iron on The Plaza. “I’ve taken this class three times, and I physically can’t stay at CSU any longer. I’m challenging him to a duel after the final if it doesn’t go my way.”
As this new initiative takes hold on CSU’s campus, The Collegina is pleased to announce a new public comment process in light of the new regulations: Community members can now challenge us to a duel to settle any fact or name error disputes and condemnation requests related to our ethical coverage.
Reach The Collegina for duels at the Ramskellar. If you choose to reach out to us, do so at your own risk. Stay strapped or get clapped.
