Editor’s Note: this is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to be offended.

A student living on the 13th floor of Westfall Hall has been identified as having a Grubhub delivery robot as a pet.

Jordan Takeout, a first-year studying food delivery, found the robot just outside of his dorm one late night after a party.

“He, yes he, looked so lost,” Takeout said. “He was just kind of spinning around, beeping every now and then, trying to reroute or something. What was I supposed to do, let it stay confused?”

Takeout then snuck the Grubhub robot up to his dorm room. Once they entered the room, something surprising happened.

“The robot stopped moving and beeped really loud for a while, so I just threw water at it,” Takeout said. “You know, like how some people use spray bottles on pets to correct behavior? I just emptied my water bottle on it, it turned off for a moment, then turned back on and stopped beeping. That’s when his cute little hatch opened and it had a burrito inside!”

Takeout described this scene as the moment he fell in love with his new robotic pet, which he affectionately named Ford F-150. He then enthusiastically shared what their favorite activity was to do together.

“I went to the nearest pet store and bought the nicest leash I could find,” Takeout said. “It fit perfectly around my pet, so we always go out for walks. The only strange thing that happens from time to time is that he tries to go toward a restaurant. That’s when I know he’s hungry.”

In order to feed his pet, Takeout snuck food out from dining halls around campus and stuffed the food into the hatch. After about 15 minutes, Takeout assumed his pet was nourished and cleaned out the hatch.

“I felt bad I ate his burrito, so I always tried to repay him when I could,” Takeout said.

Many first-year students have pets around campus, but his neighbors were perplexed about Ford F-150’s presence.

“Jordan is actually crazy,” said Jill Jimbo, a first-year studying how to effectively gamble. “We tried telling him that having a pet is fine, but this shit is unhealthy. Like, he could have gotten a cat or something, but no. I once told him to let the robot do its job and deliver food, but then he told me I was the crazy one and threw me out of his room.”

According to Jimbo, Takeout’s friends staged an intervention in Jimbo’s room one cold night in March, but he did not react to it well. Takeout screamed and ran out of the room to the comfort of Ford F-150.

“No one will ever be there for me like Fordy will,” Takeout said. “He beeped to me sweet comforts while I sobbed on the floor holding him. He’s the best pet anyone could ever ask for.”

One day while Takeout was in class studying the science behind food delivery, a residential assistant did a quick room check after hearing a quick and loud beep coming from the room.

“I was shocked, to say the least,” said Leon Snitch, a Westfall residential assistant. “I opened the door and found the Grubhub robot just spinning in circles. I guess because it was trying to reroute to a restaurant for an order?”

After discovering the Grubhub delivery robot, Snitch wasted no time in alerting the university.

While in class, Takeout immediately received an email from the university notifying him of his expulsion, but that wasn’t Takeout’s main concern.

“I opened the email and my mind immediately went to one thing and one thing only,” Takeout said. “I ran out of that classroom quickly and got back to Westfall. I stepped into my room, and Fordy wasn’t there. I just fell to my hands and knees; there was nothing I could do.”

Following Takeout’s absence, he has dedicated plenty of time trying to locate Ford F-150 with no luck.

“He’s out there somewhere waiting for me,” Takeout said. “He will forever be a part of me. I will never forget his cute beep.”

Takeout has started a GoFundMe for financial support in his mission to reconnect with Ford F-150, pay off lawsuit bills and cover court-mandated therapy.

Reach Catholic Abortion at life@collegian.com or on Twitter @CSUCollegian.