Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to be offended.
Disclaimer: This article uses “bitches” as a gender-neutral and affectionate term. It is the Year of Our Lord 2025, and we are grown. Cope.
Do you think you pull hella bitches? Depending on your major, your results may vary.
In our line of work as totally legitimate researchers here at The Collegina, we’ve made a foolproof way to choose your major based on how much you want to pull. This chart, put together by a collection of the best and brightest at Colorado State University, places the main majors and programs on a handy-dandy chart for your convenience.
On the X-axis, you’ll find the most self-explanatory part: Quantity. Majors that can pull the most end up toward the right side of this chart. Nice work, business bros; you can pull, even though you can’t retain.
Quantity has one more rule added to it that makes this chart make a bit more sense. If your major can only pull from a pool of their own major or similar ones, you lose points. When it comes to our rankings, game is not just game. We do not accept inbreeding within majors in this household.
On the Y-axis, things get a bit tougher. Our “retention” estimates are a bit less stable but still make a good jumping off point for where you should expect to land. Majors that can keep bitches — aka end up in relationships lasting a year or longer — land high up on this chart.
Those of you who are observational types will notice three of the four corners have a major that represents them perfectly, with mechanical engineers in the bottom left, religion studies in the top left and business in the bottom right. But what about the top right?
It is paradoxical to max out on both bitches gained and bitches retained. Assuming you are not a cheater — or polyamorous, in which case, I’m afraid our data simply does not account for you — you stop getting other bitches once you settle down with one.
Now that the process has been explained, let’s dive into where some majors fall on the graph.
Congratulations, environmental studies majors! You score high on retention and quantity — nothing more attractive than an environmentally conscious student, amirite? The climate is getting hotter and so are you.
Someone’s cooking: We’re looking at you, food science majors. What’s more attractive than knowing that someone knows how to cook and do it well? Your passion is fiery, and you know how to perfectly spice up any relationship.
Psychology majors, you’ll notice you’re suspiciously close to business in both your ability to pull and your inability to retain. We suggest using those phenomenal therapizing skills of yours on yourself for a little while before using them on your partner. We believe in you.
Landscape architecture majors, it appears you pull some bitches, but you’re lacking in the retention department. Maybe instead of urban planning, you should be building stability in your relationships.
A public service announcement for chemistry majors: You all need to get it together. You accrue but simply don’t retain. Search for the chemistry in your relationships and lock in. You should be great at this; it’s your area of study, and we know you can do better.
Physics majors specifically focused in astronomy are quite the anomaly, falling perfectly in the middle of the axis. They neither accrue or retain. Consider them the black hole of our chart: They sit in the center with all the other majors orbiting around them, pulling in unfortunate souls who get a bit too close.
Religious studies minors, you have officially scored incredibly high on retention rate but are bordering the X-axis. Hopefully you have found your soulmate, and if not, we wish you luck. Yikes.
Attention communication studies majors: You kind of pull, but your retention rate is abysmal. Kind of strange when you’re studying, you know, communication. Try communicating your way into a healthy relationship.
Pre-law and pre-med, we see the effort you’re putting into your majors. It’s apparent that you put studies before bitches, which is respectable, but you are unfortunately stuck in “pre-bitches” and haven’t graduated to “pulling bitches” quite yet.
Art and art history majors, you may feel a bit cheated being so far to the left of the chart. Recall what we mentioned about inbreeding — dating outside your concentration does not count as dating outside your major. If you branch out a bit, maybe you can find a major with actual job prospects who will fund your shapes and colors.
Mechanical engineering majors have it the worst based on our data, landing in the bottom left corner. Hate to break it to you engineers, but unless you choose biochemical or aerospace, which sound cool, you’re doomed. No bitches for you.
Finally, a quick call from inside the house. Journalism majors, we suggest you put those reporter skills to use and investigate why you can’t pull. Find a reliable source to get some information on how to have good game – your mother doesn’t count.
If you do not feel seen by your major’s place on the chart, fear not, these are just the averages we have found in our studies. You are surely the one special outlier that we simply did not account for.
Regardless of your reactions to reading this detailed and in-depth analysis, don’t shoot the messengers. Someone had to break it to you.
Reach Catholic Abortion and Cosmic Misfortune at life@collegian.com or on Twitter @CSUCollegian.
