Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

In celebration of Colorado State University’s Homecoming weekend, the CSU football team put together a special halftime show to replace the marching band’s performance.

Although this change was planned as a surprise, I’ve managed to secure insider information about what to expect this upcoming weekend.

First-year linebacker Tony Chestnut described the show as a mix between television shows “Glee” and “Friday Night Lights” with “more passion and fewer gay people.”

“Nothing heals the heart more than watching some 6-foot-2, 300-pound players do shitty TikTok dances with pyrotechnics in the background.” –Cantplay Forshit, CSU football assistant coach

“I’ve always loved singing, but it turns out the coach loves it, too,” Chestnut said. “So for the halftime show, we’re going for the musical genius of Lady Gaga’s Super Bowl show but with the sex appeal of ‘Pitch Perfect.’”

The featured songs include “CHAMPIONS” by NLE Choppa, “All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled and “Fearless” by Taylor Swift.

“Yeah, I know what you’re thinking,” Chestnut said. “’Football players can’t be Swifties.’ That’s an old stereotype — grow up. And, for the record, I’m personally going for a ‘Red’ type vibe for the show. Several songs will be dedicated to those who have left me in the past. This one’s for you, Joe Parker.”

Despite the ever-inflating budget of the CSU Athletics program, sustained by its ex-director Joe Parker, the team plans to spend roughly $500,000 on the 15-minute show. Chestnut said this is due to the team’s “inability to care about any other sport but themselves.”

Assistant coach Cantplay Forshit agreed.

“We’re focusing on entertaining the crowd, and that’s it,” Forshit said when asked about the financial decision. “Lord knows the students are mad at us during the games — we’ve got to compensate somehow. Nothing heals the heart more than watching some 6-foot-2, 300-pound players do shitty TikTok dances with pyrotechnics in the background.”

Along with a fireworks show, the team purchased several percussion-grade marimbas, a cameo from CSU basketball alumnus David Roddy, an exact Coach Prime lookalike, a carton of eggs, tar, feathers and a whole CVS pharmacy’s supply of steroids.

“The other coaches and I stand against drug use of any kind on the field,” Forshit said. “These are merely performance-enhancing measures for the show. How else are our players going to hit a low A? Half of their balls never even dropped — they’re basically mezzo-sopranos.”

I reached out to the pharmacist for a comment. She happily agreed to collaborate with The Collegian.

“They told me they’d give me anything I wanted in return,” said Dope Dup, who is entering her 11th year as a CVS pharmacist. “I asked for CU season tickets and Shedeur Sanders’ mouthguard. I’ve never been a fan of CSU sports, and I was skeptical about giving a team ‘roids, so I thought I’d ask for something they’d never be able to give. To my surprise, the coach reached into his back pocket and pulled out the mouthguard, right there and then. It still smelled like his saliva, and it fit my teeth perfectly.”

Be sure to catch CSU football’s homecoming performance this Saturday, Oct. 26th. Chestnut requested that I promote the event by inserting this quote last:

“All you lovely ladies will have a lucky chance to own an item of mine very near and dear to my heart. We were sick of the T-shirt cannons, so I’ve created a new invention just for this game: a nut-cup cannon. Five of them are signed, and two are unwashed!”

Reach Emma Souza at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @_emmasouza.