Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Have you ever shot up out of the comfort of sleep in the middle of the night (likely after your evening high has worn off) quaking in wonder over the question, “What strain would Colorado State University be if it was cannabis?” 

Don’t worry, little lamb. Rest your eyes — I come in peace with the answer. 

CSU is a very diverse and interesting place with lots to see and lots of people to meet. This clearly means CSU would be a hybrid, but with more sativa than indica. 

No one smokes CSU and thinks, “Wow, this isn’t stressful at all!” You’ve got midterms, a losing football team and a beautiful little Rambouillet sheep walking around campus — it’s a magical, stressful place. 

It’s got enough sativa to make you a teeny bit paranoid someone might randomly knock on your apartment door and you’ll have to begrudgingly answer and act like a functioning human being — but not enough to be considered that Schedule I type of weed the government is so worried about. 

I’d like to think CSU would prefer to be in flower form because we’re rooted in the legacy of the Aggies. Sure, CSU would slap in a cartridge form (it would have that smoke that tastes like dirt, though, not a fancy flavor like banana, which my mom likes). We’re all-natural, farming kind of folk around here, and our weed is homegrown. 

The flower is mostly green, with a hint of purple because going to university has to be romanticized and enticing to potential students. Purple is the color of wealth too, and college is freaking expensive.

It would be the perfect density and consistency, never crumbling and falling apart or sticking to your hands and leaving you with skunk fingers.

“The strain would fund the Andrew G. Clark Building’s renovation, with money to spare to buy CAM the Ram and his farm friends mall-grade massage chairs. Any extra money would probably go toward the Associated Students of Colorado State University’s senate, naturally.”

It’s frosty with little crystals like snow falling over the A at Horsetooth Reservoir. Looking at it under a microscope to grasp its full glory is the only way to do it justice. We are an academic institution, after all. 

The high wouldn’t be mind-numbing, sit-your-ass-on-the-couch debilitating; you have to be prepared to write a 700-word discussion post at any time, so the brain fog needs to be limited unless you want to have an awkward conversation with your professor about how your post slowly devolved into a wish list of snacks you want to get at 7-Eleven later. 

The flower would burn evenly and thoroughly whenever lit because it was carefully nurtured by the university’s agricultural students, who play the plants Ludwig van Beethoven’s greatest hits morning and night. These kids are committed to their craft, and the burn patterns would show the fruits of their labor. 

The university strain would not be too expensive to start out, but that’s how they get you. They’ll raise the price once you realize the quality, but I don’t think those Aggie kids will see a dime. 

The strain would fund the Andrew G. Clark Building’s renovation, with money to spare to buy CAM the Ram and his farm friends mall-grade massage chairs. Any extra money would probably go toward the Associated Students of Colorado State University’s senate, naturally.

Now that you have your answers, light up, and get some rest. CSU agricultural students are busting ass to bring you academically sourced and grown cannabis as we speak.

Reach Bella Eckburg at cannabis@collegian.com or on Twitter @yaycolor.