Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
As most people whose parents pay for their college tuition would agree upon, socialism is bad. Socialism not only doesn’t explicitly benefit the straight white man, but it’s exactly — exactly — the same thing as communism. As we all know, communism equals no food (take a moment to laugh), and thus the same arguments and critiques can be applied to socialism.
However, there is one reality of socialism that has not been explored: the fact that it, at its core, is offensive to introverts.
Introverts have been an unsurprisingly silent minority for years and have hardly voted in any election due to their preference for little social interaction.
Despite the history of introverts, the democratic socialist platform that Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders is running on has driven many introverts to register as members of the Republican Party. This is just another case of how socialism is detrimental to society. However, we should not let the abomination that is socialism distract from the actions of these brave men and women.
Understandably, all introverts declined to be interviewed, so all of the quotes below, like a lot of the information that their soon-to-be fellow Donald Trump voters attest to, are made up.
“I hardly talk to anyone; I haven’t been to the doctor in years because I’m too afraid to even make the phone call,” is something that an introvert might say. “My parents stopped making the calls for me once I turned 40.”
This is a reality for many introverts. Many haven’t been to the doctor or dentist in years. The fact that Sanders is proposing healthcare as a right threatens their current livelihood. Healthcare being free, or at least cheaper, would give introverts no excuse not to get medical care.
Socialism not only doesn’t explicitly benefit the straight white man, but it’s exactly — exactly — the same thing as communism.”
If the United States were to become — God forbid — a socialist country, the eating habits of many introverts would also be threatened.
“I’m too scared of ordering any kind of food in person or even going to the grocery store,” is something else an introvert might say. “So I have to Postmates and Uber Eats all my meals.”
Obviously, this refers to how in socialist and communist nations, food is scarce and has been observed to literally evaporate and disappear. In a socialist country, there would be no surplus food for food delivery services like Postmates and Uber Eats to exist.
This all just illustrates how socialism will never work in America. Even if it didn’t make food disappear or offend introverts, the fact of the matter is that Americans will likely let themselves suffer from millions in medical bills before seeing their blessed country fall into the jaws of socialism.
Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.
