Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS – While other colleges and companies are promising to be completely paperless or run entirely on renewable energy by a certain date, Colorado State University is attempting something unprecedented that would dwarf these achievements. Announced earlier this week by new President Joyce McConnell, CSU is aiming to be construction free by the year 2046.
“I am proud to announce that this great university is taking the steps to be even greater by eliminating construction on campus by 2046,” McConnell said in a press conference last Thursday.
Construction has been an issue plaguing the lives of CSU students for generations, and it seems to be the one issue all students can agree upon. Liberal students, conservative students, students who pay for their friends and students who don’t — even students who do a terrible job at hiding their racism — can all agree that construction sucks.
“I thought I would have nothing in common with the students in Turning Point USA,” said a CSU student who identifies as a member of Antifa and showers in their skull balaclava. “But we connected over how much we hate all the construction on campus, and then we shared a nice meal at McDonald’s.”
Despite this unifier of the student body, many students have criticized McConnell’s grand vision. Chief among these complaints is how far out a construction free CSU is.
“I graduate in two years, and I’ve drank so much during my time here that I’ll probably die of liver poisoning by 35,” said junior Chad Stuckey. “I’ll never see a construction free CSU.”
Construction has been an issue plaguing the lives of CSU students for generations, and it seems to be the one issue all students can agree upon.
Other students have shared this sentiment — not of dying as a result of substance abuse, but of feeling it is unfair that they won’t be able to benefit from a CSU 27 years in the making.
“Why even make this announcement? It’s so pointless!” said sophomore Margo Bostic. “There is no way anyone could predict something that far into the future. Focus on something that affects us now.”
“What construction project even takes 27 years? Is CSU building a cathedral?” asked senior Benjamin Phillips.
While it does seem a little dumb, this columnist would wait a lifetime to see a shrine to Tony Frank built on the main campus.
The Collegian attempted to reach out to the class of 2050, the first class that would spend all four of their years at CSU without construction, but none have been born yet.
Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.
