Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS- This Friday, the Colorado State University Police Department arrested a student after he broke into Allison Residence Hall.
After hours of interrogation, CSUPD detectives discovered that the student was trying to escape his parents, who seem to be suffering from what officials call “empty nest syndrome.”
Dr. Finch of the American Psychological Society informed The Collegian that cases of empty nest syndrome arise in parents when their children grow up and they must live in their houses peacefully, without the noise and mess that their surly teenagers create so reliably.
“Due to the immense traumas related to Empty Nest Syndrome, the Police Department is considering treating the student not as a criminal but letting him go as a victim.”
It is no surprise this student had to flee his home, as cases have been on the rise since more students are attending college. In fact, CSU students and their families are the demographic at the greatest risk of experiencing empty nest syndrome.
Between telling their kids they love them and berating them about coming home after curfew, parents experiencing empty nest syndrome have been known to make a squawking sound while simultaneously flapping their arms like they are wings and crouching down over the toilet as if trying to lay an egg.
CSUPD noted that the student in custody reported finding feathers in his underwear drawer and discussed one traumatizing night where he awoke to his father pecking his arm with his nose, which appeared to be much longer than usual.
Students have also reported watching their parents go through “nesting,” or the act of placing the student’s belongings into a pile, and in serious cases, even packing it in boxes in the weeks leading up to the student’s departure.
With summer almost at its end for CSU students, authorities were originally confused as to why a student would be so eager to begin their studies early. Dr Finch’s analysis of empty nest syndrome has made the situation clear.
Due to the immense traumas related to empty nest syndrome, the Police Department is considering treating the student not as a criminal but letting him go as a victim.
With school starting soon, many CSU community members are wondering how they can protect themselves from this foul sickness.
Dr. Finch recommends that students keep their heads down and count down the days until Aug. 26, and for goodness sake, tell your parents you love them.
Abby Vander Graaff can be reached at letters@collegain.com or Twitter at @abbym_vg.
