Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
In an email to Colorado State University students, CSU President Tony Frank confirmed the previous week of binge-drinking and blissful ignorance concluded and that the rest of the semester would continue as usual, complete with a grand variety of poor decisions and chaotic nervous breakdowns.
“It was a fun week of helplessly ignoring all sense of responsibility, but now it’s time to get back to business as we continue to learn and repeatedly fight the urge to scream and hurl textbooks across the room,” Frank wrote.
Frank went on to write, as great as day-drinking in the sun may seem, it’s actually paramount that the student body proceed to put its nose to the grindstone and rip its hair out while muttering softly over arbitrary academic subjects that “don’t even make any god-damn sense.”
“Please join us in stopping all fun immediately and once again return to studying hard enough to give yourself a severe brain aneurysm.”
He concluded his email by reminding students that there are several caffeine depots on campus, and he “fully expects to see an entire student body milling about with heart rates similar to lab mice with stimulant-induced psychosis.”
Senior English major Brian Osborne remarked that, with the combination of a snow day, spring break and Natural Light releasing a strawberry-flavored malt liquor, he had hoped that the rest of the semester would be canceled.
“I was really hoping all my professors and the whole school were just going to call it quits right there,” Osborne said.
Freshman agricultural science major Jasmine Maez explained that, for the past four hours, she had been laying on her bedroom floor playing “Candy Crush,” hoping that her gargantuan, procrastination-induced workload would solve itself.
“I was really hoping all my professors and the whole school were just going to call it quits right there.”
“I tried to do the dishes at one point,” Maez commented. “But then the crushing weight of every single thing I have to do this semester sank in, and I just started to scream and cry.”
Maez later commented that she thought she would have learned to stop procrastinating by now, and added that she’s grown accustomed to the large amounts of fear she experiences throughout the day.
“It sucks sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world,” Maez said, adding that there’s just nothing better than sinking deeper into a large, filthy cesspool of crippling anxiety and paranoia due to the consequences of her own actions and negligence.”
Marshall Dunham can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online at @gnarshallfunham
