Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS – Just a few weeks after a snow day, springtime has arrived in full force. Highs are reaching up into the 70s on weather forecasts, dads are breaking out the cargo shorts, and Chacos and Birkenstocks are becoming more apparent on Colorado State University’s campus.
Despite many students rejoicing the return of warm weather, there is one unforeseen consequence of the sunny days ahead that could have dire repercussions. No, it is not seeing people’s nasty toes poking out of their sandals.
The return of warm weather means the return of geese that flew south for the winter and the emergence of squirrels. Both of these animals call CSU’s campus home and battle lines will be drawn as they fight to reassert their dominance and ownership of different parts of campus.
With five parts of campus currently under construction, areas for geese and squirrels to inhabit have shrunk since this time last year. Tensions between the two are at an all-time high as they wrestle for control over spots of campus.
Traditionally, the geese have claim over the west side of campus. The lagoon by the Lory Student Center and intramural fields are their most concentrated areas but some geese have begun staking out areas around Canvas Stadium. Squirrels are more spread out, but can traditionally be spotted in The Oval and around Braiden Hall and Eddy.
This leaves The Plaza and southeast areas of campus like Yates as the most contested space. Campus officials have warned students to not provoke either animal if spotted in these areas, nor engage in any activity assisting one or the other.
Despite this neutrality encouraged by CSU, many students have taken sides in the struggle for campus supremacy. Sophomore Doreen Green is rooting for the geese to reign supreme. She explains her support of the geese, saying:
“One time a squirrel stole my Juul, so I hope the geese tear those f*ckers up.”
Senior Anthony Bradshaw doesn’t share this sentiment.
“I hope the squirrels win. I never feel safe walking to class with geese around,” Bradshaw says. “The day I learned that geese have teeth was the day I regretted choosing CSU.”
It’s the sharp, nightmarish teeth God decided to give geese for some abhorrent reason that should give them the upper hand.
Tony Frank has wisely declined to comment on the situation. His support of squirrels would just further legitimize the theory that he is 20 – 30 squirrels in a suit.
With this war for campus supremacy, it should be a pretty eventful end to the Spring semester. We at The Collegian will keep you updated on all things geese vs squirrel.
Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @ethan_vassar.
