Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS – Fall is upon us which guarantees two things: pumpkin spice everything and colder weather. Colder weather means more people taking the bus to class; meaning students are not guaranteed a seat but they are guaranteed to catch someone else’s cold.

In the past, this has just been an unfortunate consequence of taking the bus in the fall and winter seasons, but this year public transport for the city of Fort Collins is implementing new procedures to stop the spread of germs. 

The first new procedure takes into account the general perceived hygiene of the potential rider. A spokesperson for TransFort explains, “If the driver of the bus catches a whiff of B.O. or you look like you haven’t showered since syllabus week, you’ll either have to find another way to your destination or be doused with Lysol.”

The second procedure takes into account the hygiene levels of riders on the bus. In an effort to stop the spread of germs and the common cold that always rears its ugly head around this time of year, TransFort is implementing a “three strikes and you’re out” policy when it comes to coughing and sneezing. 

“After your third cough or sneeze, the bus driver will have to ask you to get off at the next stop, no ifs ands or buts,” the spokesperson said. Additionally, the severity of a cough or sneeze will be taken into effect. Anything above 100 decibels is grounds for automatic expulsion from the bus. This is all in an effort to prevent the spread of potential germs.

The last new protocol is essentially a quarantine of those with a cold or who are sick. These certain riders will be required to sit at the back of the bus and will have to pass through a clear tarp with a zipper, isolating them and their sick germs from the rest of those on the bus. 

Hopefully, these measures will be able to deter the spread of germs through the Fall and Winter seasons. If so, other metropolitan areas in Colorado may be following suit by updating with their bus systems with similar protocols.  

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @ethan_vassar.