Deadened by the injustice of actually having to speak with other human beings, Colorado senator Cory Gardner told reporters Tuesday that he has decided to skip a town hall meeting with his constituents so that he can go be yelled at by his family instead.

“While it would be an honor and a joy to be hollered at by voters for hours on end, I’ve also got to be there for my family who’re pretty darn pissed at me as well,” said Gardner, adding that he was looking forward to donning his favorite pair of Howard Leight earmuffs upon his arrival home, an accessory he used to wear at rallies before being discouraged from doing so by a colleague for being “too obvious.” “Honestly, both can be a bit draining at times, but at least when it’s your family screaming at you, you can look in their eyes and remember a time when they once loved and respected you.”

When asked by reporters to identify such a period in his life Gardner declined to name a specific time, instead mumbling something about defunding public news and donning his earmuffs before ending the interview.

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