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Nostalgia and novelty: Ranking classic, inventive fruit pipes
March 2, 2023
I’m proud to say my first time ever smoking was out of an apple. Back then, my best friend and I had to watch multiple YouTube tutorials before we had a functional, but by no means preferable, fruit pipe.
If only those fruits lived to see the day I purchased a $300 bong.
I’ve come a long way since then. Like an adult, I use glass now. But if you get bored of that and feel fruity, there are certainly some easy alternatives.
The classics really do stand the test of time. Recall the nostalgia your parents feel when they tell the story of how they met — this was more meaningful.
Like an artist returning to their muse, recreating this piece made me appreciate the curves and crevices that have cemented apples as the go-to fruit pipe. I think God wanted apples to be used as smoking devices, otherwise, why would they have made the divot surrounding the stem the perfect bowl shape and size?
Despite the emotional attachment I have, I will admit the smoke was a lot harsher than I was expecting, and the taste was underwhelming. Rating: 7.5/10.
I made a lime pipe once before when I went on vacation and forgot to pack rolling papers. After scavenging through the rental house looking for anything else that would suffice, we saw a lime with a wedge already taken out for a cocktail. It would have to do.
The shape and size made it hard to carve a bowl, but that was cancelled out by how much easier it was to hold. Maybe it was the fact that I tried it immediately after the apple, but I noticed the couple hits from this pipe hit me faster than any of the other ones.
This pipe delivered the best taste of any I tried, ultimately earning it third place and a permanent spot in my fridge — in case of emergencies. Rating: 8/10.
Apparently I loved this one enough to use 13 exclamation points in my notes.
Although the taste was a little weird, it was weird in a good way — like pickles and vodka or the smell of gasoline. This was the smoothest hit of any probably because its shape most closely mimics a churchwarden pipe. Rating: 9/10.
First and foremost, I want to thank the cashier at Whole Foods who didn’t question me buying a singular banana.
This was hands down the most fun piece to make. But unless you want to spend 10 minutes making something that will rot in half that time, opt for a different method. Rating: 5/10.
According to the notes app on my phone, all I had to say after trying this was “ew” and “absolutely no redeeming qualities.”
I don’t feel the need to elaborate. I’m honestly not sure why I thought this was a good idea. Rating: -5/10.
6. Dragon fruit
In any scientific experiment, which this very obviously is, there will inevitably be a let down. This dragon fruit was my let down.
It was the hardest to make and the least flavorful, not to mention way too heavy for somebody who already smoked two bowls that night to be holding next to an open flame. All in all, meh. Rating: 3/10.
I’ll echo the first bullet point in my notes app to start this one: “WOAAAAHHH!!”
After I cut a hole that looked about the same diameter as the neck of my bong, I hollowed out the inside. Then I used metal straws to make two holes: one that I put a glass bowl piece into and the other to use as the carb.
Not only did this pipe produce the biggest hit of any of the fruits, but the hit was bigger and smoother than what I’d normally get from my small bong. And if you need any more of a reason to try this method yourself, it tasted amazing.
I don’t normally like watermelon by itself, so if you ever see me carrying a small green melon out of a grocery store again — no, you didn’t. Rating: 10/10.
Reach Lucy Morantz at email@example.com or on Twitter @csucollegian.
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