The Associated Students of Colorado State University elections, which will now be held biweekly because there just aren’t enough, will be seeing a drastic shift this year. 15 of the 25 candidates decided to campaign on original platforms rather than scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas and recycling the same platforms that other administrations failed to achieve.

“I am really happy to be finally abandoning the overused platform of ‘transparency,'” said James Johnson, presidential candidate and business major who’s triple minoring in marketing, markets and marketeering. “Students deserve better.” 

“I think that while transparency is important, it’s also important to have open conversations to increase communication and coordinate dialogue, to further engage in comprehensive solutions to engage with diverse communities,” Johnson said during the recent debates, directly quoting every past president. When asked exactly what he meant, the candidate said, “Oh, you don’t really need to provide answers of actual substance at the debates, as long as you use enough jargon and buzzwords to make it sound like you’re qualified to handle thousands of dollars.” 

While ASCSU candidates are ready to abandon the overused platforms, it’s merely because they realize that those platforms are entirely unrealistic.”

“I think that instead of running on transparency, we’re going to run on the platform of invisibility,” said his running mate Kayleign Sanders at the vice presidential debate. “You’ll notice that once we’re elected, we’ll conveniently disappear with your student fees.”

Other candidates disagree with Johnson and Sanders.

“I think that we still need transparency,” said Brad Arnold, quadruple major in business, scandals, shady campaigning and frat parties. “Except for when we do something not in the student’s interest and completely opposite to the promises we ran on — then it’s time to put students back in the dark.”

Another candidate, Raquel Smith, said her campaign is finally ditching the U+2 reform platform, claiming it is overused and unrealistic to actually run on.

“We’re going to be running on a new platform called ‘I plus five,’ where the rule will be six students per house,” Smith said. “The idea is to ask for something that the Fort Collins government would laugh in our faces at. Then by the time we ask for Me+3 again, it will appear more like the bare minimum it already is.”

As mentioned in another article, all campaigns are planning to run without a scandal this year.

“We usually plan a scandal into our campaign platform to add spice, draw attention to ourselves and get the thrill of seeing if the student body will still elect us despite our questionable decisions,” Arnold said. “As president of Toxic Alpha Mu, I can almost guarantee I’ll still win. Voting for me is a requirement for all frat party entry.”

Colorado State University students said they are really excited to finally see change happen within ASCSU. Fourth-year student Hannah Gregory was even shocked to realize the same people haven’t been in office for the last eight years.

“Wait, the same president and vice president haven’t always been in office?” Gregory said. “I swear it’s always been the same people. Maybe they just always look similar.” 

While ASCSU candidates are ready to abandon the overused platforms, it’s merely because they realize that those platforms are entirely unrealistic, and they will never actually care about “transparency.”

“I’m not going to lie; I’m not entirely sure what that word even means,” Sanders admitted in an email to The Unprecedented Times. “It’s been in every other campaign platform for the last eight years though, so I figured it was time to change it up.” 

Students are thrilled for the upcoming election, and a recent poll reports that as many as 20 students will be voting this year — one of the biggest turnouts that ASCSU has ever seen. The Unprecedented Times will provide more updates, assuming we still receive funding after the election.

Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

The Unprecedented Times reporter Katrina Libel can be reached at letters@collegian.com or Twitter @KatrinaLeibee.