First Mate Corndog
Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
As a college kid, you may have come across the sentiment that guys and girls can never be simply friends due to their innate attraction to one another, leaving no space for platonic love — only sex. However, I’d take it one step further and say men and women should never be friends in the first place.
As a certified girl’s girl — a glitter-loving, dramatic and taking-up-more-space-than-allocated girl — I have the wits about me to say it’s not that girls can’t be friends with men, it’s that we biologically should not be friends with them. We’re just wired differently.
Have you ever found yourself thinking out loud about the wonderful world of RuPaul’s Drag Race only to be interrupted by a stupid man asking, “Wait, like NASCAR?”
No, girly, not like NASCAR. We’re talking wigs and corsets here, not helmet hair.
It’s well known that women throughout history have been dedicated to witchery, and 2022 is no different. You’d think we’d have some sort of herbal remedy by now to make all of this patriarchy muffled.
Honestly, now that I think about it, the answer might just be drugs; however, I’m still putting herbs into boiling water on the stove in the middle of the night for good measure.
They say you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince, but I’m just here wondering when the boat full of princes will show up because I’m pretty sure I’ve just been planting my lips on toads. Gross.
Men are notoriously hard to be around. They fart loudly, don’t wash their buttcrack in the shower and they all should take up the University on its free therapy sessions because none of us are qualified enough to address the deep-rooted jackassery that comes in the form of testosterone-fueled frat bros.
“Women outpace men in education and overall vibes. This much is clear, so it’s incredibly important that you never make eye contact with a man. If you’re going to date a man — which you should avoid at all costs — you need to properly vet him in the girly-pop group chat.”
Men like to say they can’t be “just friends” with us women because they wouldn’t be able to control themselves. Uh, just say you have issues respecting women and their boundaries and go.
Again, bro, we’re not all licensed therapists and, for those of you that are, don’t stoop to counseling a man for free. They get paid more, so you should be milking them like a supple cash cow.
You may be thinking, “Hey! Not all girls are girly girls!” and I agree with you! Women are so fun and multifaceted, which is all the more reason to stay away from men. You have to protect your energy, not let it get stained like the nasty, crunchy navy blue sheet every man has spread on their bed.
Women outpace men in education and overall vibes. This much is clear, so it’s incredibly important that you never make eye contact with a man. If you’re going to date a man — which you should avoid at all costs — you need to properly vet him in the girly-pop group chat.
Nothing is more beautifully honest than a group of your best gal pals, and these men will be fighting for their lives in the chat after your girl group absolutely flames them.
Remember these words to live by, ladies: “Girls go to college to get more knowledge, and boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.”
Reach Pirate of the Collegian Burnt Egg at email@example.com or on Twitter @yaycolor.