Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
Read part one of this series here.
More information is available on the cloaked bike thief roaming around campus.
Allen Wrench, the Colorado State University sophomore who brought this issue to light, devised a plan to catch the vile person stealing bikes.
“I planted a decoy bike by Braiden Hall to try and catch the sleazebag up close,” Wrench said. “I also purchased a ghillie suit online and posed in the nearby shrubbery with a GoPro camera strapped to my chest.”
Three of Wrench’s bikes have been stolen during his tenure at Colorado State, which clearly shows the thief is a true professional at what they do.
I took his bike and sold it to a fifth grader for a head of lettuce the next morning, no questions asked.” -Lam the Ram, criminal brother of CAM the Ram
“The bandit arrived within 25 minutes of starting my operation,” Wrench said. “It was disturbing, honestly — almost like he could smell a bike begging to be stolen.”
Douglas Bianchi, Wrench’s roommate and victim of the thief, said, “I am just as invested as Allen (Wrench) because we both have lost bikes to this jackass.”
“I sat nearby acting as an oblivious student doing homework in case Allen (Wrench) needed backup,” Bianchi said.
Wrench and Bianchi notified both the police and The Collegian when the bike thief began fiddling with the bait.
“I embraced my inner Bruce Lee and jumped out of the bushes on top of him at light speed,” Wrench said. “I had the power of at least 100 angry students on my side, and I was not willing to let the thief out of my grip.”
“Lord, have mercy, he was kicking the thief’s kaboose!” Bianchi said. “The instant he mounted the dude’s back and grabbed his weirdly huge head, it was game over.”
After the thief yielded, Wrench was disturbed by what he discovered.
“I told the bandit to take off his cloak, and that’s when I saw that he had horns and was covered in hair from snout to hooves,” Wrench said.
Wrench added that he probably would have run away screeching had he not been so proud of himself for taking down a literal beast. With just enough courage to speak, Wrench asked the thief his identity.
“I am Lam — Lam the Ram,” the thief confessed.
Police arrested Lam and brought him to a maximum-security cellar underneath the Clark Building’s basement, where he remains today.”
Wrench discovered that Lam is CAM the Ram’s younger and estranged brother. Never given a chance to shine in the limelight around Fort Collins, Lam has remained in the shadows, slowly plotting how to get back at his brother and the students and locals who have never shown him love.
“I took the bikes because I wanted some attention for a change,” Lam said. “I was sick and tired of CAM getting all the love and media exposure while I just rotted in the stable next to his.”
“One night, on a drunken impulse decision, I began stealing bikes,” Lam said. “I was out late sipping on some Angry Orchard Hard Cider with my fellow sheep when I saw my brother’s beloved banana-seat bike sitting outside his stable unlocked.”
“I took his bike and sold it to a fifth grader for a head of lettuce the next morning, no questions asked,” Lam continued. “Ever since then, I’ve been snagging every bike I can get my hooves on.”
In an exclusive interview with The Collegian, CAM was surprised to hear the troublesome news of both his bike and his brother.
“That crooked-horn loser took my bike, I fucking knew it!” CAM said. “That bike was a gift from the mayor of Fort Collins, but why should my brother care? He’s always hated me and my stuff.”
“I can’t say I’m surprised at what he did, though,” CAM continued. “He always wanted to be famous, but he was born with horns too fat for any camera and was bullied out of show business as a result. Probably why he’s always wearing that dumb cloak.”
Lam added that he has been stealing bikes for over five years now, and if he had not been caught, he would have continued.
“If it weren’t for you meddling kids and your watchdog newspaper, I would have gotten away with it for years to come,” Lam said. “As long as CAM was still the mascot, I was always gonna steal bikes.”
Fully aware that his bike shenanigans had concluded, Lam offered his final anecdote: “Blame me all you want, but if you were in my hooves, you would do the same. I regret nothing.”
Police arrested Lam and brought him to a maximum-security cellar underneath the Clark Building’s basement, where he remains today.
Reach Callum Burke at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @burkec0621.