Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended
The holiday season is now in full swing, and you know what that means: It’s time to dig deep into the holiday spirit. The stress of gift-giving and decorating your home to ensure that your family doesn’t appear dysfunctional to the rest of the neighborhood can make a person crazy, so here I am, giving you the gift of all gifts: a very merry Craigslist Christmas.
We’re in the middle of a Panera Bread, folks, and that new Optimus Prime variant of COVID-19 is migrating horizontally to us for the winter.
A travel ban is looming over our heads, and don’t even get me started on what that means for Santa. I just hope he gets those reindeer tested. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’s nose will gleam even redder after that 11-inch cotton swab is shoved into his nasal cavity. Do they even have vaccinations in the North Pole? It’s probably easy to store them because you definitely don’t need a refrigerator.
I don’t know about y’all, but the holiday season seems like it came out of nowhere. Broke college students don’t have the means to give our families a Kardashian-esque Christmas, but we sure do have the brain power to make some cool shit. That’s right: Get out your craft scissors and laptops — we’re surfing the Craigslist wave.
The holiday season is all about connecting to your roots, and what better represents the roots of the internet than a “for sale or give-away” site that clearly has not had its code updated since 2008?
If you’re hunkering down in FoCo this year, you can still send gifts home to your fam-bam. Some free packing materials would be the perfect place to start, or if you’re feeling festive, you can find free trees available for pickup. The lights don’t all work, but talk about a bargain.
The world is your oyster, honestly. Decorate your tree with ornaments that were handmade by someone’s grandmother a long, long time ago. Nothing feels more like family than having pictures of a stranger’s family on your tree.
Craigslist has a little something for everyone, and what could connect you more to your community than a trip to a stranger’s house to pick up an item they listed? Christmas and Hanukkah do not have to be all fun and games, so add a little terror to the mix, and go alone — at night and unarmed!
As you scroll through the incredible array of options, you might just get so lucky as to encounter the ultimate Craigslist score. Something special sent to you by the holiday spirit itself: a house cat.
Face to face with this pixelated feline, your eyes dart to the description. He’s overweight, a little lazy and he meows too loud. His family is moving — or they just can’t take care of him — but you can.
Now, let’s be clear: Although an animal makes a cute and fun present, you have to actually be prepared to take care of it. Also, don’t get people surprise pets for Christmas, you absolute psycho. “Oh, Merry Christmas; here’s a ton of extra responsibility with no heads up, advice or offers to help with all of the stress this will inevitably cause you!”
If you get people pets for Christmas without first discussing it with them, go to prison. I mean, a dog lives for, like, 15 years.
Anything you can imagine is on this site, and you’re sure to find holiday goodies in every corner of the seemingly endless Craigslist void.
The holidays do not have to be lonely. Whether you’re snuggling up with your family, your pets or just knocking on strangers’ doors to sing at them, Craigslist’s got you covered. Have a very merry Craigslist holiday season, folks.
Reach Bella Eckburg at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @yaycolor.