Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
The online world is buzzing with motivational posts about self-care and how we should be on top of our mental health.
While I partook in my daily doomscroll on Instagram, I noticed a bombardment of posts about how you should exercise to release endorphins, leave your house to hang out with people you care about, etc. I could feel my ears getting hot as the anger rippled through my body.
Dude, we’re in a pandemic, you literally have to be joking. I’m not letting you smelly *ssholes give me delta.”
How could someone be so stupid? Y’all do realize we are all cogs in the wheel of capitalism, and we all know working yourself to the bones is the best way to keep a slim figure. Stress is skinny, bro.
Screw working out — it’s gross to be sweaty, and if you’re going to work out every day, you are going to use a lot of water showering off the grime and smells. Colorado is dealing with droughts, you inconsiderate, water-wasting son of a b*tch.
Why leave the house to hang out with people? I don’t know what era you’re from, but phones exist — you can literally just text someone. Gas prices are through the roof, and we all know it’s embarrassing to walk anywhere.
All of you self-care fanatics are just lazy, water-wasting, leathery-faced weirdos. I’ve personally evolved past the need for vitamin D, and I would recommend all of you do the same.”
You’re telling me it’s a good idea to step out into the sunlight — which is amplified because of all these freaking holes in the ozone — and literally singe my flesh and acquire leathery skin like an old sailor for the sake of face-to-face interaction? Dude, we’re in a pandemic, you literally have to be joking. I’m not letting you smelly *ssholes give me delta.
My coworker and arch-nemesis Cat Blouch argues that by avoiding self-care, you are going to creepily devolve into a self-loathing emo. Yo, Blouch, what do you have against emos? There is nothing I find more peaceful than working a 19-hour shift while “Beaten In Lips” by Beartooth lulls me into a machine-like stupor.
Enough with all of this talk about being emotionally or spiritually fulfilled. Work is fulfilling. As Doja Cat once said, “You should have paid my rent, go get a f*cking job.”
All of you self-care fanatics are just lazy, water-wasting, leathery-faced weirdos. I’ve personally evolved past the need for vitamin D, and I would recommend all of you do the same.
The internet is full of fake news, and that includes fake news about your supposed emotional well-being. If you participate in self-care, you are ruining this country and destroying jobs. I hope you’re happy with yourself.
Read Cat Blouch’s side of this debate.
Bella Eckburg can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @yaycolor.