Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
Oh, business majors — where would we be without you? Likely, we would be somewhere past our evolved late-stage capitalism where people in the upper echelons of wealth exploit the working class, but that is beside the point.
Since we know business majors provide no academic asset, at the very least we can make fun of them. Yet, there is a world apart from your resident Sigma-Alpha-Epsilon-finance-bro and the terrifying, yet charming, Pinterest-mom-human-resource-Karen.
If you are a business major, it matters not where on this spectrum you fall; you are still a clown. Here is what your business concentration says about you.
This major is really just a better way of saying “getting a business degree is hard — no, I swear.” I get it. You can balance a T-account. It’s not like you’re solving cancer or learning the inner workings of a horse. Get over yourself. Pack up your Texas Instruments BAIIPLUS Financial Calculator, and find a new hobby that isn’t color coding your monthly budget spreadsheet.
Human resource management
Quite literally, you are majoring in tattle-tailing. Yes, Emily, I hate to break it to you, but you will be the most hated person at the office. It doesn’t matter if you plan on throwing the best company holiday party. You are destined to be resented, so you might as well start working up the Home Owners Association power pyramid while you’re still young.
What is it like to dedicate four years of your life to learning how to become a professional manipulator? Better yet, what is like choosing the easiest concentration within the easiest major?
There aren’t enough subliminal message mind games you can play with me to convince me that your degree isn’t just a glorified combination of YouTube videos.
You wanted a computer science degree, but that was too hard. Nonetheless, you’re still not getting laid. How you can be learning about computers yet still be too socially inept to have a Snapchat or a TikTok is beyond me.
I suppose that won’t really matter when you are spending the better part of your adult years running across the office because Janice forgot how to send an email again.
Tell me you came into college undeclared without telling me you came into college undeclared. You’re just kind of here. There is nothing to make fun of here because there is truly nothing of substance. You are a shell of a human being.
Being in a frat is not a personality, but that is a hill you’re willing to die on. Let me tell you something, Chad: It is alcoholism before you graduate. I understand that you are trying to condense as much fun into your precious four years of college before you inevitably sell your soul to a corporation, but why does it have to be everyone else’s problem?
Smashing a beer can against your empty head is not a talent. Give it a rest. Don’t you have a midterm to study for?
Organization and innovation
How is this even a concentration? I didn’t realize using a planner you got from Target was a field of study. Why don’t you go innovate a personality trait? Why don’t you go organize an activity that will bring you out of your numbing existentialism?
Supply chain management
You want job security, and you’re not afraid to admit it. The supply chain folks tend to be amongst the most cynical of the bunch, so at least you have a dry sense of humor going for you.
Inevitably, you will still probably settle for a life with the Human-Resource-Karen because I am convinced you enjoy suffering. Godspeed, you masochist.
No matter your concentration, all business majors can find common ground in licking the ground the STEM majors walk on. Remember, it doesn’t matter how many income statements you can put together or how many strategies you can analyze because you will never know what the term “titration” means, and that makes your pursuits essentially worthless.
Cat Blouch can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @BlouchCat.