Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
It’s hard to believe that Colorado State University is already in its fourth week of online classes. With many students moving home, it can be hard to establish a sense of order in the turmoil.
In the absence of lectures and class discussions, you may be thinking, how can I establish a sense of structure in my daily routine?
One surefire way to add a sense of normalcy and routine to your schedule is setting aside time to procrastinate each day. By putting off those tests or papers, you are giving yourself time to unwind while also transferring a crucial part of your previous on-campus schedule.
You may be thinking, how can I best incorporate procrastination into my daily schedule? Well, have no fear! Here are the top five ways to procrastinate in online classes that are suitable for any student.
1. Binge your favorite show (or a few)
The top way to put off class work? Binge your favorite show for the tenth time. You may already know all of Michael Scott’s iconic lines, but what about Creed’s? Pay attention to every plot line and really test yourself to see if you can remember what happens next.
This particular procrastination method can work for hours at a time, reducing boredom substantially. It really heightens those adrenaline levels when you realize it’s 10:30 p.m. and that term paper is due at 11:59. If you finish with your favorite show before the end of the semester, then try watching that show your friend has been telling you about for ages. You’ll finally have something to talk about with them while wasting time you don’t actually have.
2. Get lit and ditch your Zoom lectures
If you are looking for a way to recreate the euphoria that comes after ditching your 9 a.m. lecture because of a bad hangover, look no further! You can still get drunk and skip out on all of your lectures over Zoom, continuing to worry your professors.
While it might be less satisfying to miss a videoconference lecture, take comfort in the knowledge that you are still engaging in the same self-destructive behaviors as you were on campus. Nothing has changed from in-person classes — other than the lack of a drunken one-night stand you’ll regret!
3. Adopt some new hobbies
Learning a new skill is the best way to blow off classwork while also perfecting those useless hobbies that you’d never learn outside of quarantine. My personal favorites are needlepoint and Claymation due to their arduous time commitments. If your professors ever wonder about where you are, they can rest assured you are developing skills integral to your future profession.
As an added benefit, you can use your newfound artistry to make grandma a handmade Christmas present. Not only will you save money, but she will have a token of how bored you were during the 2020 quarantine. You can also make handmade presents for the rest of your family, but depending on your skill they may be less appreciative.
4. Obsessively clean your room
If you’re stressing about your classes and feel a lack of control over your study habits, obsessively cleaning your room is a perfect way to decompress! In just a matter of minutes, you can assert control over one area in your life while impressing your parents with you finally taking responsibility for your disgusting living space.
In the process, you might discover an old childhood toy or stuffed animal and develop feelings of frustration that you’ve never gotten rid of it. As a matter of fact, there’s a ton of stuff that you have never gotten rid of that you can sort through with the hours of unoccupied time you now have. Hey, if you’re stressing about the devastating effects of consumerism, at least you’re not stressing about your schoolwork!
5. FaceTime your friends
If you feel overwhelmed by the impacts of quarantine in your life, FaceTiming your friends out of the blue is a great way to connect in a socially distant way. For the best results, give them no heads up so you can interrupt the last battle of their video game or witness them dropping their phone into the toilet bowl and tear away their last remaining shreds of sanity.
As you and your friends discuss the banality of your everyday life, you can stare into each other’s soulless eyes and waste hours, or even days of your time. And if you’re mooching off your neighbor’s WiFi network, this hack is completely free, as long as you don’t take into account the hours of your life you just spent staring into a rectangle.
Corinne Neustadter can be reached at email@example.com or on Twitter @corinnen14.