Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS – The “Culture War” event, featuring Turning Point USA founder Charlie Kirk and the president’s son Donald Trump Jr., at Colorado State University has drawn a substantial amount of criticism from the crybaby liberal students at CSU for the past month.
These snowflakes are opposed to the event just because they don’t agree with the ideas Kirk will be speaking about, and they somehow believe them to be harmful. News flash — an idea can’t hurt you. Thanks to this criticism, too much focus has been put on the negatives of the event, and the many good things about TPUSA’s event have been largely ignored. There really are a myriad of good things that can come out of the “Culture War.”
Karen Shepard, mother of a local incel, identifies the benefits of Kirk’s event.
“It will be great for my son to go out and get some fresh air,” Shepard said. “He spends so much time in my basement that I don’t even know when the last time he went outside was.”
Shepard is also looking forward to spending a romantic evening with her husband, something the couple hasn’t been able to do ever since their son, Clifford, moved in with them three years ago.
These events are the only way we can be sure to meet up and talk because the FBI monitors all my internet activity, and I have violated community guidelines on practically every social media site.” -Dale Nelson, Fort Collins resident
Like Clifford, many other incels, neo-nazis and white supremacists are looking forward to spending some time outside, soaking in the vitamin D from the sun that they’re unable to get from their mothers’ basements. Thus, the “Culture War” event provides significant health benefits for many attendees, but it also brings people together.
“I’m really looking forward to seeing the guys and standing around menacingly together,” said Chad Tucker, a Greeley local.
Like him, many others enjoy standing around at events like these in balaclavas, with their arms crossed and not saying word.
“We do this both because it looks cool and because if we actually engaged in conversation with someone, our arguments and beliefs would easily be refuted and proven wrong,” Tucker explained.
Fort Collins resident Dale Nelson echoes Tucker’s sentiment about how events like “Culture War” connect him with friends he hasn’t seen in a while.
“Some of these guys I haven’t seen in ages,” Nelson said. “These events are the only way we can be sure to meet up and talk because the FBI monitors all my internet activity, and I have violated community guidelines on practically every social media site.”
It is truly sad that the liberal media is only focusing on the negatives of the “Culture War” event and that they are citing the clash that was ignited by Kirk’s presence at the University one year ago as an excuse to ban him when there’s so much good that can come out of it. All CSU students should be aware of, and not ignore, the good that Kirk and his crime statistics can bring to this campus.
Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at email@example.com or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.