Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from the Collegians opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS– After a strenuous 14 weeks of class at Colorado State University, James Wilburn is back home to let loose on classic Thanksgiving treats.
“This place is trash,” said the 23-year old, visiting his family in Illinois. “But, if coming back to this shitty town means grandma’s pie, then I am 100 percent game.”
For Wilburn, Thanksgiving is the only holiday he gets to truly enjoy.
“I am going to eat all the f*cking pie I want,” said the engineering major at Colorado State University. “You think I can’t do it? You are dead wrong. There is no end in sight when you put pie in front of me.”
This year’s dinner at the Wilburn household will reportedly have 20 attendees. This is a 13 percent increase in guests compared to previous Thanksgiving dinners. To Wilburn, this means more competition.
Included in the guest list are Wilburn’s aunt and uncle, who are attending for the first time in three years.
“Uncle Steve’s casual sexism is palatable with just the right amount of buttery, flaky crust and a delightfully sweet filling,” Wilburn said.
Wilburn’s girlfriend, Tracy Myers, tried to stop him before it got out of control.
“This is honestly disgusting to watch,” Myers said, observing Wilburn dive face first into a warm pumpkin pie, whipped cream and all.
Wilburn has chosen to abstain completely from the evening’s main course to make room for the sinfully sweet dessert.
“If it’s a pie, I am going to wreck that shit,” Willburn said.
Wilburn’s grandmother, 78-year-old Sharon Juspeczyk, struggles to keep up with the demand.
“This fat idiot thinks he can come in every year and take every damn pie for himself,” said the retired seamstress. “And, to top it off, he never calls me. Hell, even a simple text would be nice.”
Wilburn, however, expressed little care for what others said about him.
“The way I see it, I have a little over a month of eating every single goddamn piece of pie that comes my way before I have to make some bullshit New Years’ resolution. Screw my diet and anyone who gets in my way.”
Satire writer Zach Bermejo can be reached at email@example.com