I’m not actually a student here, but I wanted to get my thoughts out because I am very important and always right. My legal name is Richard McGiggles, but you can call me Dick. And you can only call me between 4 and 7 on Monday and Wednesdays because the rest of my time is spent keeping the patriarchy alive. You’re welcome.
A little bit more about me. I am a Gemini, which means I am powerful and my mercury is always in retrograde. I am a very successful Drag King, with one show under my very large belt that I won in a claw machine at the mall. I have an extensive flannel collection and many leather-bound books. My apartment is smells like bacon, pine needles and masculinity. Rumor has it that the man on the Bounty Paper Towel Roll was actually based off me, because I am the the lady quicker picker upper. I drive a monster truck with really bad gas mileage, suck it Warner College. Lastly, I am in love with a beautiful woman. That woman is named Lady Luck. I have a huge gambling problem but it’s only a problem when I lose. I’m what some might call “a catch.”
I tell you all these things because the fall Drag Show is this Saturday in the LSC Grand Ballroom, starting at 7 p.m. I was told I am not allowed to make any kind of “suggestive comment” about my “grand ballroom” in the student paper because it’s “inappropriate,” so you’ll have to come to the show to hear it. My dear friends Kendall McElhaney and Torrey Stephenson will be hosting the show again this year, and I’ve heard they’re both okay. And they’re both single, if anyone wanted to know.
This year’s theme is Bubble, Bubble Queers and Trouble. The perfect amount of spooky and quirky your midterm week(s) have been looking for. Doors open at 6 p.m., people will probably start lining up around 5, I will start accepting phone numbers from women around 4.
It’s actually ridiculous how many people don’t know what Drag is. What is wrong with you people?
Let me provide you with a little visual. You know that feeling when you’re driving in the rain, listening to your favorite song – Photograph by Nickleback – and you just feel like you can take on the world? That’s how Drag feels. You feel empowered and sexy and vulgar and spiritual, all at once. In my humble, straight, cis, manly perspective, it’s the closest I’ve ever been to a religious experience, and that’s just because I am pretty sure I’m a god. Drag allows anyone to take ownership of their bodies and present them comfortably. It’s also just a hella good time. Trust me, I am a man who knows everything.
Drag – meaning literally Dressing to Represent Another Gender – is a form of art or a way of life. The term Drag is used for any clothing choice, mostly in the form of hyper masculine or hyper feminine, worn by a performer that carries symbolic significance for their show. We have Queens who love a big bust and even bigger hair, and I am not complaining. As a prominent and incredibly handsome Drag King, I think it’s important to point out that Drag doesn’t have to fit the stereotype of queens flouncing around and glitter on everything. Not saying that doesn’t happen, just not in my dressing room. At least not until after the show, HEYO (insert several winks and finger guns).
Coming from someone who is ridiculously good looking, exceptionally talented and astonishingly humble, I want you all to know that you can be good looking too. Just put yourself out there and try something new. I hope to see all of you at the show this Saturday, and that’s a stretch for me because I don’t usually hope for anything. Show up, bring some bills to throw at our dancers, bring your hot older sisters and moms. Grandmas, too, if you’re feeling frisky, but only if I’m feeling risky. I still have standards. They’re very low but they’re still real.
McGiggles out. Collegian Columnist Dick McGiggles is the artist formerly known as Kendall McElhaney, and can be reached at email@example.com, or on Twitter @kendallaftrdark.