I have found through my infinite wisdom — a.k.a absolutely nothing — that some people on campus don’t seem to understand a few things.
And since I’m sick this week, and therefore my creativity has been sucked away by the evil Mr. Platypus Man who feeds off of creative ideas and enters the world through the burning portal now known as my throat, the best I could come up with is the obvious.
So what is so obvious to me that some people can’t seem to figure out? I would be happy to tell you! Or write to you, since my voice sounds like gravel meets a tree chopper.
CSU, I propose the following classes for the betterment of the campus.
What are pants?
This philosophical question comes as the weather starts to turn favorably toward leggings for girls, and low riding pants for boys — so the course would address such issues as follows.
Ladies, leggings are not pants. If I can see the outline of your hoo-ha, you need to be wearing something over it.
Gents, do you know where low-riding pants comes from? Jail. That doesn’t make you hardcore. It means you were someone’s…special friend. It’s an invitation. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, but I’m pretty sure maybe some people just don’t know baggy pants implies. Maybe I’m wrong on this, though. In which case, CSU just got more fabulous.
This course will also cover the basics on how pockets shouldn’t be seen hanging below the line of your shorts.
What forms of media are valuable?
This course is very desperately needed because of the confusion there seems to be with certain popular movies.
“Twilight”? Is that really what you want your life to be like? Let’s ignore the poor quality of the writing and contrived plots. I admit, sometimes that can be fun.
What I can’t ignore is how anyone would want a boyfriend who stalked them, broke into their house to watch them sleep, is as abusive as Edward was that time he left for Bella’s own good or whatever, and most of all, boring. All they do as a couple is talk about how attracted to each other they are and how he wants to rip out her jugular…wow, romantic.
You know what a better movie would be to want a relationship from? “Game of Thrones”.
Okay, it’s not a movie. But it is still one of the best things to come on a screen for years. You know what happens in “Game of Thrones”? Everything. And there are dragons — which I would put money on in a fight against vampires any day.
Why you might as well tattoo “freshman” on your face
High school is high school. You are in college now. Welcome.
For upperclassmen, you know this. But remember way back to when you were a new freshman? You were an idiot. We all were.
First of all, freshman always try to bike in the first snow. And by saying this I might be ruining some people’s fun of laughing at the freshman. To them I will apologize and will say that not many people will read this anyway so there will still be some freshman to laugh at.
Freshman, no one cares how hardcore you are. The more you try to prove it, the more you are a freshman. I’m sorry to tell you this, but it is for your own benefit.
How not to beat a dead horse
I get that everyone wants their opinion to be heard. But there comes a point in the real world, where no one cares anymore. What was that? My opinion, you say? Shut up. I get paid for this.
This mostly applies to the stadium. People have spoken. It was nice to get an opinion out there, sure, but not only does it repeat the same thing said over and over, but I highly doubt the administration really cares what you think. They are going to decide based more on what they want.
How to respond to “Do you have a minute?”
I believe it’s Jim Gaffigan who jokes about how nothing is more uncomfortable than when someone wants to talk to you about Jesus.
Obviously, aid is needed on how to avoid questions like this that lead to those uncomfortable times.
Sarah Romer is a senior electrical engineering major. Her column appears Thursday in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to email@example.com.