Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s news section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
Flakes of asbestos may fall down into your eyes; exposed electrical wiring looping down from missing ceiling tiles may catch your neck and strangle you; shoddy, ripped-up carpeting that maintenance attempted to duct tape down again to no avail may trip you. But catching the coronavirus is the one thing that won’t happen to you if you frequent Colorado State University’s Andrew G. Clark Building.
A recent study conducted by CSU’s Infectious Disease Research Center found that although students exposed to the Clark Building are at risk of developing a whole laundry list of other diseases and illnesses, they are completely immune to COVID-19.
This is because the Clark Building is such a toxic and unhealthy environment that the virus has no possible chance of surviving, according to the study.
“We, over at administration, typically like to sugarcoat the fact that Clark is a dilapidated, disease-ridden abomination of gargantuan proportions that probably should’ve been steamrolled over decades ago,” said CSU President Joyce McConnell. “We do that to let students know their concerns about Clark aren’t being heard. But, all those factors that make Clark such a hellish place to work, study and be in are really working wonders for us now, and we’re all #ProudToBe CSU Rams because of that.”
Astoundingly, the study also found that students only need to be in the building for a total of five nonconsecutive minutes to become immune to the virus.
With this, many students, faculty and even University administration have recognized the Clark Building as a cure for the virus — the only known effective cure for COVID-19 at this time.
“My husband and I were pretty scared when we heard Miss Rona blew into town because we knew she tends to go after older people, and we fit into that demographic,” said Martha Divoc, a professor within the journalism department at CSU. “But then I saw that study. I’ve been working in Clark for 50-some miserable years, so I think it’s safe to say I was fine. But my husband wasn’t, so I took him down to Clark against his will. One of his life goals was to never walk into such a horrid place, but it was for his own good.”
Mark Anoroc, a senior political science major at CSU who has had a number of classes in the Clark Building, explained how he feels about the building being a cure to COVID-19.
“There’s a sticker on a wall in one of the Clark A bathrooms that promotes John Kerry’s bid for president,” Anoroc said. “That happened 16 years ago. That leads me to believe that bathroom hasn’t been cleaned for that amount of time and possibly even longer, but I guess I can sleep well at night knowing I won’t be getting the coronavirus because of that.”
McConnell said the Board of Governors shelved any current plans for a Clark renovation for the time being so it can consider how the building may be able to help a vast amount of people and how the University can profit off of these circumstances.
“We’re thinking about opening Clark to anyone who is willing to spend five minutes there and become immune to the virus — at a charge, of course,” McConnell said. “Like in any similar situation, we always think of ways to make a profit, but with this, we thought ‘Well, why use the money we already have to fund a Clark makeover when we can save it and make even more?’ We’ll just market it as CSU looking out for everyone’s health and safety, and the cash will just start pouring in. It’s the perfect crime.”
Furthermore, McConnell said that because of this influx of money and the tuition and fees the University won’t be refunding to students for the remainder of the semester, the overall profit may total into the tens or even hundreds of millions of dollars.
Raymond Goodrich, the executive director of the IDRC, offered his thoughts about the overall situation.
“I have no doubt that Andrew Clark is rolling in his grave knowing his namesake building is a complete and unparalleled disaster,” Goodrich said. “But do I think he’s rolling in his grave knowing the conditions of his namesake building are lethal enough to wipe out a virus? Yes, I’m sure he is. But I think he’d also be content with knowing that building will ultimately help a lot of people, and at the end of the day, I guess that’s all that matters.”
Matt Bailey can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @MattBailey760.