Seriously: The ‘CSU pooper’ pops up

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

It was 12:45 a.m. last Wednesday when the Colorado State University pisser struck Moby Arena. Once the dust cleared and the stream ended, all that seemingly remained was cigarette butts, soiled grass and a faint aroma of asparagus. But in the last second of the video, as clear and bright as Batman’s signal, a pair of butt cheeks filled the screen, and something else hit the ground.

This time it was different — a bigger, slower form of vandalism, more for the love of the game than the pisser’s quick spray of adrenaline. Within a day, the “CSU pisser” had been usurped by a single shit so big, one TikTok commenter thought he pooped a squirrel.

Dubbed the “CSU pooper,” this vandal sucked at his job. It’s not even like the hours were all that demanding; he just had to hold it in until nightfall and consume enough fiber throughout the day. But apparently that task wasn’t simple enough because on the third night of pooping, the CSU Police Department caught him at 7:30 p.m. outside of the Lory Student Center with his pants down.

“Why couldn’t he have waited another hour?” said Kerr Plunk, a CSU deputy. “My shift ended at 8 p.m. — could’ve avoided that shit show. Instead I had to booty call a code brown. Afterward, I went home to make a cup of decaf, and I couldn’t even drink it. Next I wanted an ice cream sundae, but I couldn’t forget the fucker’s Hershey squirts. A buddy brought in donuts the following morning — and you know I’m normally going to hop on that long john — but now it just looks like a steaming log. I don’t know who I am anymore. Everything reminds me of him now.”

Despite his short-lived run with the runs, students were quick to follow in the “CSU pooper’s” footsteps. The following days, several Clark classes had to be evacuated after finding what looked like mouse defecation on the desks.

At first nobody came forward, but the following day, TikTok user @shitslinger fessed up: “I was going to take the pooper’s place, and so I was practicing butt kegels the day before for portion control in Clark C,” he said. “Forgot to clean up. Sorry, janitors.”

The “CSU pooper” was released from police custody after several days. Though I attempted to see the man about a horse and snag an interview, his PR team — The Pooper Pee-R — politely declined. Defeated that he wouldn’t let his mouth caboose loose, I retreated back to my apartment.

Before I could enter, however, my foot sunk into something too early to be snow. I took a step back. Spelled out in brown on the sidewalk pavement was a statement that read: “Taking care of business.” Next to it, a manifesto written on a roll of toilet paper.

Reach Emma Souza at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @_emmasouza.