It’s the first day of school, and you should devote your time to avoiding the following actions:
Warning: This could be you!
1. Show up late to class.
Seriously. It is day one. Your mother may have told you today is the first day of the rest of your life. Very true. Today you may meet professors who write you recommendations and unlock the keys to success….or at least a career. If you come dashing into class late with an action-packed song pulsating from your headphones, what do you think Professor X will think?
If you are going to make a habit of coming late, wait a month. At least. Use common sense. That way, said professor will have opportunity to get to like you. You can chalk up forgiveness points.
On top of that, if you are late, you are missing out on syllabus day. You need to know the teacher’s sensibility. Do they have a power complex? Do they like to talk about their feelings and turn class into group therapy? It is important to be there, so you know whether to stay or to drop the teacher like a case of Fat Tire.
2. Make up excuses.
This is college. Mom is not going to write you an excuse note. It is all on you. Do not think your excuses are unique. Everyone has one. Here are a few excuses that might come to mind.
· The train made me late.
· There was a line at Starbucks. I needed caffeine.
· I did not know today was the first day until my friend texted me.
· I drank too much last night.
3. Introduce yourself by talking about drinking or smoking weed.
First impressions are called first impressions for a reason. Show off your intelligence and wit. The number of beers you can consume without getting a hangover does not count. Talk about your mom not understanding your greatness. Get into an intellectual discussion about the tenets of Marxism.
4. Wear pajamas.
Presentation is everything. Do you want to be that person who wears PJs? Tossing on a pair of pajamas and a tank top might seem like the easy choice, but take that extra minute to find the perfect ensemble. Yes, it involves a little extra effort. But it is worth it. Convey flashiness, suaveness. Think about “Step Brothers” when Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly go for job interviews and wear tuxedos.
5. Run over someone.
Maybe you have a hot new truck, and you are cruising down Elizabeth Street en route to class, the king/queen of the road, but seriously proceed with caution. Actually stop at the lights. This is not a video game where destruction is a virtue. You do not get points for running over kids, but you do get time in the slammer with people named Moose and Tank.
6. Have a bad attitude.
This might seem like a no-brainer, but do not come in cynical off the bat. Come with at least the illusion that this is an opportunity. Get excited about making quirky friends and pontificating about theories and ideas in classes. You might discover something about yourself, your interests or your worldviews. Open your minds and let the journey start.
Collegian reporter Mir-Yashar Seyedbagheri can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. His Twitter handle is @dudesosad.