In his 40th consecutive press conference of the spring semester, Tony Frank admitted Tuesday that the destruction of the Lory Student Center was an inside job, thus confirming long held conspiracy theories held by LSC Truthers.
“I made the call,” said Frank to audible gasps from the crowd. “The LSC Truth movement was right — CU Boulder didn’t destroy the LSC, we did.”
Frank then stepped off the podium dramatically as old-timey camera bulbs flashed in rapid succession.
Conspiracy theories began to surface in June of 2013, when Frank issued a campus-wide email urging students to take advantage of Free Ice Cream Day, which was being held everywhere in Fort Collins but campus.
Frank concluded the email by saying, “Please, whatever you do, stay out of the LSC today.”
When students returned to campus the next morning with their bellies full of delicious, low-grade dairy treats, they were shocked to discover that the LSC was gone. In the ensuing hours, a somber crowd gathered around the empty lot where the LSC once stood. The congregation was silent, until finally a seemingly unaware Tony Frank wandered through the crowd, whistling cheerfully. Upon viewing the rubble, Frank gasped, dropped his ice cream cone and exclaimed, “Buffs!”
Later that day, Frank delivered an impassioned, moving speech during which he vowed that the Rams would get vengeance against CU Boulder at the 2013 Rocky Mountain Showdown.
“Until then, the best thing students can do during this trying time is spend RamCash,” he added. “Preferably on old-timey cameras— RamTech is doing a liquidation sale.”
While most of campus was off buying old-timey cameras to show their school pride, one subset of the CSU community was hell-bent on discovering the truth.
“There were a lot of clues that something was awry,” said LSC Truth movement founder Zac Darragh. “For one thing, how did Frank have an ice cream cone that morning? Free Ice Cream Day ended at 11:59 pm the previous night. Also, everyone knows Tony Frank can’t whistle.”
The LSC Truth movement began investigating Frank and other high ranking CSU officials, including the King of Corbett, Johnny Ingersoll and Allison Hall.
“We used every move in our playbook, including politely asking what was going on, trying to tickle it out of them, and even the Hail Mary pass. Luckily, they were ticklish,” Darragh said.
“I didn’t do this for me,” said Frank in a follow-up interview with The Water Closet Weekly. “I did this for the university. It was my sincere hope that the destruction of the LSC would motivate the Rams to victory at the Rocky Mountain Showdown, increase sales of old-timey cameras, and, of course, get our hands on that sweet, sweet Boulder oil.”
The Water Closet Weekly is written by Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hoehne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Look for the WCW online at waterclosetweekly.com. It was last seen with Boulder’s WMDs.