Based on the March 15 RamTalk — “I normally read the liquor ads for longer than I read the Collegian.”
Editor’s note: This article is satire. The Collegian is not responsible for your decision to drink, nor your GPA. While the liquor section doesn’t exist, you can check out our new site, HoptoSip.com.
Much like sand and orange chicken, drinking and writing go together perfectly. In a recent study that has no academic value whatsoever, the Psychology Department here at Colorado State has discovered that once a person is more inebriated than a bullfrog on New Year’s, the quality of their writing tends to skyrocket.
For this reason, The Collegian has decided to hire writers to more accurately write the liquor section in our daily newspaper and to get the creative juices flowing. The liquor section is now wildly popular, and is getting far more attention than any other section of the newspaper. Students love it.
Sophomore dance major Skylur Right is a supporter of the revamped liquor section.
“This is awesome!” Right said. “Just look at the descriptions: Burnetts — Tastes like rubbing alcohol. Will leave you smelling like depression, fear and urine. Busch Light — Will make your neck redder and your desire for catfish greater. This stuff is genius!”
Along with the descriptions, there are personal accounts that the reporters write while consuming the various types of booze. One of our newer writers, Stive “the booze-hound” Jay has more encounters with different types of firewater than anyone else in the department.
“The trick to appreciating the full flavor of a nice alcohol like Admiral Nelson or Evan Williams is to sniff in all of the flavor while sipping,” Jay said. “Then, you must proceed to undress out of your slacks or trousers, do a full lap around Yates, try to climb the building and fall off, sit down because you fell off, yak all over your shoes and fall asleep in a bush outside of Eddy. That, my friend, is how you enjoy fine liquors.”
If you have not already checked out the newer liquor section, please do. I’m sure “the booze hound” can fill you in.
Entertainment Writer Davis English can be reached at email@example.com.