Sexually transmitted infections, more commonly known as STIs, are an unfortunate, although often preventable, side effect of being sexually active. STIs come in many flavors, so let’s dig in:

Bacterial STIs:

Some of the most notorious STIs are caused by single-celled organisms of the not-so-friendly variety, the most common of which is chlamydia. Don’t be fooled, chlamydia is not a pretty name for a newborn girl-child. Rather, it’s an infection that makes peeing really unpleasant for around 1, 570, 000 people in the U.S.

Symptoms: Painful urination and discharge from vagina, penis or anus are the most common. Some people will not experience symptoms at all.

Is it treatable? Yes, you can kick chlamydia to the curb with antibiotics.

Possible complications: If left untreated, it can cause infertility in folks with uteruses.

The second most common bacterial STI is gonorrhea, which has earned the friendly moniker “The Clap,” named after early methods of treating the infection.

Symptoms: Painful urination and abnormal discharge are the most common symptoms, although testicular pain and lower belly pain can be experienced too. Gonorrhea can also be asymptomatic.

Is it treatable? Yup. Gonorrhea, an infection affecting around 270,000 people in the U.S., can be treated with antibiotics.

Possible Complications: Although gonorrhea can create a whole host of complications, the most common include infertility caused by Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and, potentially, epididymitis. Gonorrhea can also have drastic consequences for newborns.

Finally, syphilis is the least common of the bacterial infections, but has the spookiest and most notorious past.

Symptoms: Syphilis comes in three stages; primary syphilis is usually marked by painless sores called chancres (pronounced shanker) around the site of infection (genitals, mouth, rectum/anus). Secondary syphilis then presents as a weird, spotty rash that can be accompanied by fever. After the secondary stage is a latency period where syphilis chills out and there are no symptoms. Then comes the tertiary stage, often years later, which can and often does affect major organs, resulting in death.

Is it treatable? Yes. Syphilis is entirely treatable with antibiotics during the primary and secondary stages, but tertiary syphilis can be more difficult to treat.

Possible complications: Most notably, syphilis can affect the brain and nervous system at any stage. Neurosyphilis can cause a number of symptoms including behavior changes, paralysis, and dementia.

Fun fact: The infamous gangster Al Capone suffered from neurosyphilis. Adolf Hitler and Christopher Columbus are also suspected to have had syphilis.

Syphilis also has a dark history involving the United States government, not just distant figures of the past. The highly unethical Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment involved observing untreated syphilis without informed consent in African American men in rural Alabama over the course of 40 years in the prime of the 20th century. Although valuable information was gleaned from the studies, many of the men involved in the study died of syphilis and numerous women and children were subsequently affected as well.

What have we learned? If you’re going to get an STI, get a bacterial one. At least they’re treatable. But try not to get syphilis.

Viral Infections:

Viral STIs range from harmless to downright frightening. Let’s take a look, shall we?

Human papillomavirus, more commonly known as HPV, is the most common STI in the United States, viral or bacterial.

Symptoms: Warts, and you don’t get them by kissing toads. Depending on the strain, the warts can pop up anywhere from your head to your genitals to your toes. HPV can also be asymptomatic, allowing for unwitting transfer of the virus.

Fun fact: the papilloma virus that infects rabbits causes horn-like growths on the animal’s head, birthing the Jackalope myth.

Is it treatable? Treatable, yes. Curable, no. HPV is generally “cleared” by the immune system, but can persist in the body indefinitely.

Possible complications: Multiple strains of HPV have been found to cause cancer (most notably, cervical cancer), so it is important that young folks (that means you) ask their doctors about the vaccine.

Genital herpes (HSV-2) is the second most common viral STI and tends to earn shudders as it has gained more attention in popular media. However, genital herpes generally only causes mild irritation and does not really lead to infertility or life-threatening illness.

Symptoms: Small sores or blisters on or around genitals, anus, or mouth. Symptoms can also be so mild that they may go unnoticed, or may not be nonexistent.

Is it treatable? Treatable, yes. Antiviral medications do exist to help shorten or prevents outbreaks and can also be used to help alleviate symptoms. However, genital herpes cannot be cured. Once you’ve got it, you’ve got it for good.

Fun fact: HSV is in the same family of viruses as Epstein Barr virus (Mono) and chicken pox.

Possible complications: Although generally rare, genital herpes can leave people more susceptible to other STIs because of the open sores. There is also a potential risk of meningitis and urethritis, inflammation of the membranes surrounding the brain and spinal cord and inflammation of the urethra, respectively.

The last viral infection on the list is the one that has received the most lip service of any of the STIs: HIV/AIDS (human immunodeficiency virus/acquired immunodeficiency syndrome).

Symptoms: The first sign of infection presents as flu-like, with a fever and a sore throat. Then the person will be asymptomatic (though contagious) for years as HIV and the immune system duke it out. HIV eventually wins out by hijacking important white blood cell machinery. From there the disease progresses to full blown AIDS, in which individuals are susceptible to life-threatening secondary infections.

Fun fact: Contrary to popular beliefs from the 1980s, HIV/AIDS is a primarily heterosexual disease.

Is it treatable? Yes, to a degree. There are antiviral therapies that help slow the progress of the disease and that can prevent at-risk groups (such as those who have partners with HIV) from being infected. However, these treatments are super expensive and generally inaccessible to the third world, limiting the reach of their benefit. Gene therapy is also a hopeful avenue for treating HIV/AIDS.

Possible complications: As previously stated, progressing to AIDS leaves the body open to opportunistic infections such as pneumonia. Because the body’s immune response is severely hindered, folks get infections more often and to a greater degree. These opportunistic infections are the leading cause of death for people with AIDS.

What have we learned? Viral STIs cannot be cured and HIV/AIDS is scary, please don’t get it.

Although this certainly does not exhaust the list of STIs, crabs and trichomoniasis being other particularly notable infections, here’s a cursory overview of what could go wrong when you get down. Just as in other areas of life, interacting with people and the environment can sometimes make you sick, so it’s important to be smart and protect yourself. Be sure to get yourself and your partner(s) tested, stay up to date on vaccines, get diagnosed and treated for STIs early and use condoms and dental dams when you make whoopee.

However, sometimes bad things happen and that’s okay. People who have STIs still live normal, sexy, fulfilling lives, and their STI status does not define them. Just remember to stay open, honest and informed. And above all, safe skiddlypooping, everybody.