No Shave, No Sex

Beard Update
Beard Update (Photo credit: trickhips)

Based on the Ramtalk: “With it being No-Shave November, Halo 4 and the new Call of Duty coming out, I predict pregnancy rates will drop off dramatically.” — Originally in 11/9 Collegian

In a recent study conducted by the Family Studies Department at CSU, it seems as though pregnancy rates have nearly dropped off the map this month.

November is notorious for its yearly cessation of intercourse, but a key question remains: Why?

Pregnancy specialist Keifer Grawsey attributes this drop in pregnancy rates to a few factors: No-Shave November and the releases of “Halo 4” and “Call of Duty: Black Ops 2.”

“Hairy gamers get no love,” Grawsey said. “It’s the long facial hair that turns the girls off, and the extreme gaming that keeps them away. Every November, facial hair graces the faces of countless young men, but with the addition of highly anticipated video game releases, I would say that this November is the perfect storm for abstinence.”

Females all over the country are boycotting their male counterparts, saying that they must “shave their faces and stop playing those darn video games” if they want to continue fornicating. The males couldn’t be reached for comment, as they are far too busy playing their new games in their dank, dark basements.

The condom industry has also been feeling the effects of this sudden decrease in coitus by young adults. The drop in sales has directly affected local condom manufacturer and connoisseur, Oliver “Three Bones” Jones.

“I’m just absolutely devastated,” Jones said. “I’m in shock.  How am I going to put bread on the table without people knockin’ boots? Shave the beards, boys!”

One thing remains clear: As long as the college-aged men pretend that they can grow facial hair, they will not be engaging in sexual contact with the college-aged females.