Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from the Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS–Less than 1 percent of the University’s population knew what ASCSU’s purpose was or what the acronym stood for, according to survey results released Monday.
The survey conducted by the Collegian about the Associated Students of Colorado State University (ASCSU), the University’s student government, had 10,000 participants, but only 75 of those surveyed–roughly the number of students in the organization–could identify what ASCSU is.
“ASCSU is a group of kids who always wear suits in class for some reason, and that is all I know,” said Miranda Mackinson, sophomore animal sciences major.
The survey was initially conducted to pose a question regarding whether ASCSU president Josh Silva should be impeached.
“The President of CSU’s name is Tony Frank, not Josh,” said Jamie Pickkard, Junior sociology major. “He should not be impeached, but to be fair, I only know about his beard.”
Students who took the survey were entered in a drawing for a $15 Infinite Wellness gift card.
“I don’t understand why we need to put someone in a peach? Is there a typo in this survey? I just want a gift card,” wrote Jenny Milcovich, senior math major in the survey results.
But, Infinite Wellness opted to give the gift card to Silva because several students wrote in the results that they didn’t know what he was president of, but it seemed like he needed to relax.
Allec Brust can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.