Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from the Collegian’s Arts and Culture section.
Every Halloween goes better with some creepy music. Just look at every horror movie ever.
It is even more frightening when it is real. There is one record that isn’t for the faint of heart, as there are more spooks, freights and things that will jump out at you all in one short record. For a while, this record almost seemed lost to time, but some poor souls dug up the remaining stash of this record from a local graveyard on Friday the 13th. Now the whole world can listen to “Monster Cereal 13 Days of Halloween Rhythm & Boos.”
Years ago, some evil mastermind decided the best way to distribute this record was to attach it to boxes of Monster Cereals. Officials will claim that this was part of “Promotional” reasons, but really any child unfortunate to pop this into their CD player know that this record was a thing of nightmares. When you have songs from Big Wolf on Campus, Digimon, Angela Anaconda and The Kids from Room 402, how can you not be terrified? Let us not forget that even Count Chocula himself makes a appearance on this record. To say the least, “13 Days of Halloween Rhythm & Boos” is not for your average listener; it’s for those looking for a real fright this Halloween season.
Starting this record off is a warning, a warning from none other than Count Chocula. Don’t fall for Count Choucla’s warning message about eating some comforting cereal because as we continue, things only from your deepest nightmares will start to play. When the second track, “Fox Family Halloween Countdown Theme” comes on, an eerie and dark electro dance beat comes on, and most won’t even have time to pay attention to the lyrics while they are shutting off in pure horror of what they are listening to. Things only continue to escalate as you listen to this nine-track record. The third song, “It’s Spooky in Here,” took the once nostalgic and cute world of Digimon and made it into a a dark and haunting show, reimaging their theme song into something that is unspeakable. This record is not the same as when you were a kid and neither are the Digimon after listening to “It’s Spooky in Here.”
The record, just like a haunted house, always has more to it, and that is exactly the case with the track “I’m Going to Scare You.” Everything about “I’m Going to Scare You” is designed to do exactly what the title says, scare you. When you listen to all the gruesome and terrifying ways that a child can spook you, you know that you have had enough, but that really isn’t the case since there is always more with this record. The next track is the theme of a once popular and dark show, “Big Wolf on Campus,” and this is truly haunting. When that werewolf howls at the end of the 30-second intro, you know that it is time to pack it in and turn away. “The Haunt of Room 402” is filled with all the screams of the young children who weren’t fast enough to turn their CD players off in time, and “It’s Spooky in Here (Junkanoo Mix)” makes one of the creepiest tracks on the record that much creepier.
Finally, for those brave enough to have made it this far there are two remaining tracks, “Halloween Overture” and “The Sounds of Halloween” are both designed to fill up to 20 minutes with the things that go bump in the night. The perfect tracks for a dark and terrifying atmosphere if you think you can handle it. Otherwise, the best suggestion is to listen to these tracks with the lights on and your blanket pulled up.
Should you listen to it? Too spooky for you.
This is one record that not everyone can handle, there are things here that will scare your wits about you from start to finish. If even Count Chocula has to warn you about what is on this record you better listen, because you might just end up like the kids in room 402.
Collegian Reporter Alec Erickson can be reached at email@example.com or on twitter @CTV_Ace.