Editors note: This is a satire piece from the Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS–Wade Troxell, mayor of Fort Collins and professor at Colorado State University, issued a statement this morning that he plans on adopting the bear that terrorized Fort Collins earlier this week.
“I have always wanted a bear,” said Troxell, “I mean, at first, I wanted a mountain lion, but my wife is allergic to cats. So, I am glad I had the opportunity to adopt this beautiful creature.”
Troxell made his decision Wednesday evening, after being spoken to by a spirit resembling Steve Irwin, the late Crocodile Hunter. The apparition, which appeared to Troxell in a dream, told him to adopt the bear and name him after Gerry Horak, mayor pro tem, because, “Horak is just the best.”
Troxell will use Gerry the Bear to enforce ‘sit-lie ban’ policies. He also plans to lobby Colorado State University to change its mascot to a bear, because rams are only male, which is inherently sexist, according to CSU president Tony Frank.
Satirical writer and editor Allec Brust can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or online @allecbrust.