Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from the Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
Fort Collins — Despite all the new changes in campus infrastructure over the past year, some students are calling for another campus wide project.
Students were inspired by the new bright orange Ram Walk feature north of the CSU stadium. However, it will serve a different purpose.
“We want a paved walkway for walking back to our dorms, mostly on weekend mornings,” said one freshman girl.
“Campus can be really confusing, especially when you’re hungover, sleep deprived, and have a bad decision fresh in your mind,” voiced another, who would like to remain anonymous.
Their request is for a ‘walk of shame’ walkway, presumably to be entitled the ‘Ramwalk of Shame.’ The walk back across campus after an unplanned sexual encounter can be both embarrassing and humiliating, something freshman Summer Szetrpik aims to change.
“It should be made of yoga mats because most of us would be walking barefoot, carrying heels or whatever, and maybe painted, like, a Vera Bradley pattern,” said Szetrpik when describing what the walk could be like.
Other students have suggested it could branch off to a Starbucks/Taco Bell, have a moving walkway like airport terminals to make the walk back quicker, or offer coat rentals for colder mornings and to hide incongruous evening wear.
This new walkway, currently in the proposal stages, could bring more awareness and less embarrassment to what’s become a cliched staple of college life.
Satirical writer Ethan Vasser can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.