Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from the Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS– This week, Colorado State University Panhellenic Association held fall sorority recruitment. One potential new member (PNM) broke a new campus record for least amount of crying.
Becca Fitz a freshman studying American Politics, claims that she has only cried one time during the entire three day recruitment process.
According to Panhellenic Affairs, in all previous CSU recruitment weeks since 1949, almost all PNMs cried an average of 3.4 times throughout the recruitment process.
Panhellenic Affairs confirmed that Fitz only cried one time.
“I almost cried when I rolled my ankle sprinting from Pi Phi to Gamma Phi in my wedges,” said Fitz. “I held it together though, I couldn’t look like a damn raccoon on pref night.”
Fitz says the tears only started flowing when she met Sarah Smitt, a sophomore member of Chi Omega sorority Fitz met Smitt during her second day house tour of the Chi-omega house … which is totally adorable, by the way.
“Of course I frikkin’ cried,” Said Fitz. “That b*tch is totally my Big.”
Collegian editor and satirical writer Allec Brust can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or online @allecbrust