Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from the Collegians opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editors notes are subject to being offended.
Fort Collin — Freshman David Williams arrived home to a grisly scene on Friday. His roommate, John Harmon, was sprawled on the floor of their dorm in Newsom hall, unconscious, and covered in a heavy mass of water bottles and t-shirts.
Nobly, Williams rushed to inform the floors resident assistant, Anton Reddington, of the incident. Reddington immediately called housing services and an ambulance to the scene. Within five minutes, Harmon was en route to the hospital.
EMTs feared Harmon had been suffocating under all of the shirts, and were surprised when he regained consciousness.
“He was literally crushed under like, 200 shirts,” said Richmond Holt, an EMT at the scene, “I thought he was dead for sure. Who even has that much crap in their dorm?”
According to CSU residency, everyone has that much crap in their dorm.
“I really don’t know what happened,” Harmon said, after being taken to the hospital and evaluated for signs of a concussion. “One minute I was trying to organize all of the free t-shirts and water bottles I’d gotten over the course of Ram Welcome, clubs fairs, and stuff. The next minute I’m on the floor, and then it all went black.”
How Harmon came to be crushed by the weight of the shirts and water bottles remains a mystery, but thankfully there is no lasting damage from the incident, and Harmon is set to return to his classes this week.
There is no official comment from CSU or Tony Frank regarding the incident, but medical professionals urge students to be more selective and careful with all the free stuff they’re offered in the first weeks of school.
Satirical writter Ethan Vasser can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org