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Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from the Collegians opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editors notes are subject to being offended.
Fort Collins– Pumpkin spice connoisseurs, get excited for a new way to enjoy the taste of fall. A new autumn delicacy, coined the “pumpepper” by farmer Zebidiah Edison, is the next step in all things pumpkin spice and could be available soon.
“Every Fall, my daughter and her friends get excited for them pumpkin spice latte things,” Edison said. “So I thought, what if I grew a pepper and a pumpkin together? That way the pumpkin is spicy.”
Thanks to the science of hybrid fruits, like grapples, Edison’s idea is becoming a reality. Hybrid fruits are the result of plant propagation: creating new plants from seeds, a more natural form of genetic modification.
However, Edison takes a less scientific approach.
“I just cut each seed in half and bury them together in an Ugg boot,” he explains.
Although his methods may be strange, there is no denying their effectiveness. The first pumpepper crop will be ready to harvest in the coming weeks, just in time for the height of pumpkin spice fever and white girl starter packs on twitter.
Edison hopes pumpeppers will transcend a gimmicky use in coffee, and will eventually find their way to Thanksgiving tables across the nation. He currently holds a patent on the planting process, but has already received offers from Starbucks and Dutch Bros, each eager to capitalize on the pumpepper hype. A pumpepper frappuccino could be a reality by next Fall, so it looks like the pumpepper is here to stay.
Satirical writer Ethan Vasser can be reached at email@example.com.