Procrastination. It is an art form. We might not admit it, but it takes a particular finesse. Procrastination is underappreciated. There are hundreds of ways to procrastinate like a pro. Here are a few of the better ones.
There is no finer method of procrastinating. You might be working on a paper, but keep shifting back and forth from that godawful English essay to episodes of “Family Guy.” That is all right. It is multitasking. That is what you are going to be doing anyway, out in the real world. Right? Besides, maybe you can make that paper about “Family Guy.”
Who does not need to leave the library for the food court? After all, how long can it take to grab a taco or a burger? It is not like you are going to linger, refilling that 30-ounce Coke half a dozen times. Although, you could use the caffeine. Just one more refill. And hey, it is not your fault if you run into a friend there, is it?
It might be important. Your mother told you to check your email, after all. It would be wrong to miss a message. Even if it is not your sweet mother, it might be a friend. Or, crisis-inducing advertisements. What if you missed some sale, or a promo for some movie? Plus, it is just fun to open and re-open the inbox waiting for the magic number one to pop up. That is a true art form.
You have friends. Communication is important. Even if it is a seductive electronic screen, replete with goofy symbols like emojis. Smiley emojis. Turd emojis that look disturbingly like ice-cream. But, that is beside the point. Text them about the most important things. The vital things, things upon which your lives hinge. Describe the bathroom graffiti, or the fact that you simultaneously broke wind and belched in the library. That trumps studying about great philosophers and chemistry.
Legitimate physical excuse. Hit the treadmill. Go for a bike ride. Take a walk. Half an hour. Just half an hour. Maybe an hour? Or, an hour and a half tops. If you do not exercise, you become a washed-up guy named Bubba with a sour attitude toward life and a liver that looks like the Russian Revolution. If you are late, plenty of excuses for that. Your bike got a flat. You rode too far. Procrastination is an exercise, grasshopper.
You are down to a few beers. You really need to hit the liquor store. Beer is your diet. Or, you need new clothes. Or, furniture. Aesthetic beauty in your home is a must. No shortage of needs.
7. Doing literally nothing at all
Lie on your bed. Think about the scene in “Office Space” when Ron Livingston’s character sleeps all day. Fantasize. Imagine things. Einstein said something about imagination being better than reality. Bring that in as an excuse for your professor.
8. And, of course, reading this listicle
There is no better way to procrastinate than to read about all the best ways in the world to procrastinate. Procrastinators learn from the masters. It is passed down. It is a Jedi thing. All I can say is enjoy reading this listicle. No pressure. Keep on reading. Never mind that test tomorrow. After all, grades are pointless. They represent the man, trying to make you miserable.
Not to digress, but why do failing students not get F-pluses? Look that up too. That will help you procrastinate just a little longer.
Colorado State University’s TILT Academic Success Workshops teaches students skills relevant to their academic, personal and professional lives. Workshops are always held on Tuesdays at 4 p.m., Wednesdays at 5 p.m. and Thursdays at 6 p.m. For the full schedule, visit their website at tilt.colostate.edu/learning/successWorkshops/.
Collegian reporter Mir-Yashar Seyedbagheri can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. His Twitter handle is @dudesosad